JoJo Week Seven: Remember When Gaucho Pants Were A Thing?

Hey, y'all.

Eliz here, comin' at ya this week from the great state of Tennessee. I attended my very first Nashville Conference watch party last night, which was just delightful, though I missed my Chicago crew immensely. Shoutout to Nashville Conference manager Emily for hosting. You might remember Emily from her guest blog last season. She's been with RtR since our infant days and has built up a strong following down South. We love her for it.

The gals in Emily's living room are full of southern sass and I feel right at home. Let's get started.

My kind of people.

We open with Alex reminiscing about getting that sad sad pity rose last week. Somehow, though, he feels on top of the world. Calm down, buddy. That's just the view from your step stool. Here is a poem I wrote for Alex (does not count for artistry as flattery points).

Roses are red.

Your balls are blue.

Chad went home. 

Now it's your turn.

This week we're going to have three 1x1 dates and one group date, aka 3x1. Rose up for grabs on the 3x1 date, but not the others.

Alex gets the first 1x1, because JoJo was tired of hearing him whine. Their date consists of a mostly silent road trip to their next destination, interspersed with rounds of thumb wars. At one point JoJo literally groans in misery. Not a good sign for Alex. In real life, if your girlfriend is audibly yearning to escape the car you're trapped in, you probably aren't going to end up marrying her. Just saying.

They arrive at an authentic Argentinian ranch where they meet authentic Argentinian gauchos. Okay actually that old one is probably a legit gaucho because he's all gray and haggard and can't speak a word of English. The one with the terrible accent and waxed mustache though...my eyes cannot roll back far enough in my head. On top of it all, his name is Oscar. Oscar the Gaucho.

JoJo and Alex don highly offensive authentic gaucho costumes and ride horses around the ranch. Alex's tiny legs are sticking straight out from the horse like a 5-year-old riding her birthday party pony.

They definitely had to make some aggressive adjustments to Alex's stirrups.

JoJo: "My date with Alex makes me think of a relationship I want to be in with someone else."

While Alex is on his pity date, the rest of the guys follow the caravan in a school bus. To entertain themselves, they drink 40s and sing camp songs rap about JoJo. Chase actually gets props for pulling out some legit beat boxing. Meanwhile, an intern gets fired for being horrible at writing raps on the fly.

They make a pit stop to eat some delicious looking street food and immediately start complaining about it like a bunch of pansy princesses. Honestly this is probably the best food you've eaten on this trip so please be quiet. In this moment I hate all of you.

Send some of that BBQ my way.

Back at the ranch (literally), the gaucho and his lover horse do a demonstration of tantric yoga in a very unnerving series of poses. After rolling in the grass for a bit, the horse is dead chilling on the ground and Alex and JoJo approach it to rest their heads on its neck and make out. One hundred percent, ABC hired a contract sniper to tranq that horse from a distance so this activity could play out safely. Really though, the horse doesn't look like it's breathing at all. V concerned about its welfare.

Alex tells JoJo that he's falling in love with her and she looks confused. Also like she's going to throw up.

Alex: "I love you."
JoJo: "You realize I'm not Chad, right?"

JoJo sends Alex home unceremoniously, to the tune of Randy Newman's "Short People." (CLICK THIS LINK). Praise Chris Harrison.

Jordan gets the second 1x1. He does Aaron's touchdown dance that he's been practicing in the mirror for years. Never got to do it on the field though. Bummer dude.

JoJo and JoRo fly on a private jet to Mendoza. When they arrive, they are driven in an Audi limo to spend the day at a winery. This date brought to you by the Argentinian drug cartels. #budgetcuts

JoJo: "I'm finally at the point where I'm trying to figure out if I could marry one of these guys. Tbh I've been in constant hangover recovery mode until now."

They stomp grapes together and JoJo rubs it on JoRo's legs. Then they drink it. THEY DRINK IT. THEY DRINK THE FOOT JUICE. They drink the brown, dirty, leg hair foot juice and all of America collectively vomits.

No caption necessary.

Side note: we see JoRo feed JoJo one of these grapes (pre-stomping). I don't know much about wine, but I do know two things: 1) I like to drink it. 2) Wine grapes are different from table grapes and you're not supposed to eat them.

This can only mean one thing. THE GRAPE STOMPING WAS STAGED. *~gAsP!~*

Shoutout to Emily from Chicago for confirming my suspicions.

Anyway. Moving on. They're at dinner talking about nothing until JoJo finally brings up the elephant in the room.

JoJo: "If I give you a hometown will I get to meet Aaron Rodgers?"
JoRo: "Yeah, about that....." *turns on Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)*

We learn that Jordan and his famous brother do not have the most stellar relationship. They haven't talked in years, and Jordan waxes poetic for a while about fame and love and family. JoJo eats it right up like that kid in Heavyweights when he discovers a stash of contraband candy bars. This appears to be everything JoJo needed to hear in order to solidify Jordan's rightful place in the top 2. No rose on this date but --spoiler alert -- Jordan gets the rose.

Time for the group date. We see James Taylor doing his affirmations in the mirror.

Apparently their fun outdoor activity was rained out so they stay in JoJo's hotel and get sloppy drunk, play games, and eat junk food. Normally I'm all for a good indoor game day but come on, producers. This is the best you've got for rainy day backup plans? Don't you have a museum buyout on reserve? I expect more from you. Clearly the budget is dwindling, and fast.

They're all completely hammed in this hotel room.

Exhibit A // JoJo dares Robby to strip down and run through the halls in his underwear. He obliges, and pretends to be embarrassed while simultaneously flexing every muscle at once.

Exhibit B // James, on party activities: "I'm gonna turn this into what I need this to be, which is an eating contest."

Exhibit C // Robby, on his emotions during The Process: "There's hard times but I pull it out. I'm good." ?????

Exhibit D // Chase, on his emotions of love: "I definitely have emotions of love with JoJo."

Exhibit E // Robby, talking about his past like it's an accidental boner: "I didn't want this fork in the road to come up but it's up and now I have to deal with it."

We learn that James Taylor's dad is also named James Taylor. I'm willing to bet that every man in that family is named James Taylor. They're an entire underground clan of James Taylors and they definitely have formed a James Taylor impersonator group/cover band.

Never thought I'd write James Taylor that many times in one paragraph.

JoJo leaves to fix her post-drunk makeup (I feel that) and sober up with some coffee. The guys sit around and talk a bunch of macho bullshit about who's the front runner. Drunk Robby tries really hard to articulate that he's only focusing on his own relationship with JoJo, so in his mind he's the only front runner. It would make perfect sense if they were all sober, but Drunk James and Drunk Chase hear it as I'M BEATING YOU AND YOU'RE GONNA LOSE HAHAHAHA.

Robby gets the rose. One last thing about Robby. During the date we learn some alarming details about his previous girlfriend. Apparently over the course of 3.5 years, he only met her mom one time and never ever went to her house. Not once. Then they "broke up" because he figured out he was getting catfished.

Manti can relate, Robby.

Luke gets the last 1x1 date. They ride horses, because, Argentina?

The Nashville Conference is at odds about the hotness of Luke. Hot or not? As commissioner, I'm laying down an official ruling. HOT. That drawl, those cowboy bow legs, his dead eyes hardened, war vet, somber eyes...

They go skeet shooting. Luke is amazing at it because he is amazing at everything. He coaches JoJo on how to shoot and I would give anything to be JoJo in this moment. She hits the skeet! Either Luke is a damn good instructor (very likely), or ABC's got that sniper from the horse date on retainer now (also very likely).

But maybe not, because again, #budgetcuts

Elimination time. All five of the remaining guys cram into one horse drawn carriage to ride to the rose ceremony. The two youngest siblings have to double-buckle so that three of them can fit on one side.

ABC is really leaning hard into this gaucho/rancher theme. Saddle decor, patterned blankets and horse buckles EVERYWHERE.

Luke, Jordan and Chase get roses, surprising no one. Cue "You've Got a Friend" by James Taylor (the real James Taylor).

JoJo says a tearful goodbye to James T. And by tearful I mean JoJo's entire face is wet. Get it together, girl. James will be fine. Honestly, he's probably the only person in Bachelor History who will come away from The Bachelorette more dateable than he was before the show. Women are going to be lining up to date him now and I'll be waiting patiently at the front of it.

Next week is hometowns! Looks like we've got a lot to look forward to: more Robby girlfriend drama, Luke in his natural ranch habitat, Chase's equally stone-faced family, and the ugly Rodgers brother. CAN'T. WAIT.

Now that we're down to the last few guys, they've toned down their stupid antics and point tallies are low. Check your standings though, it's a tight race in most pools.

Also, in case you're craving even MORE Bachelorette media, check out this fantastic podcast by 40s + Shorties. It's run by Roses to Riches' two most dedicated players Corinne Vittori and Rob Strodtman. I was a guest on their most recent episode so give them a listen! They're on SoundCloud and iTunes. Worth your time, I promise.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth
League Commissioner