Rachel Week Two: White Dudes Buggin'

Happy Memorial Day, everyone. Hope you celebrated in your best USA tank top. Apparently Chris Harrison doesn't believe in days off, because there was, in fact, an episode last night. Though to be fair, I guess every day is a day off when you spend it drinking mimosas in a bathrobe in your luxury trailer. But I digress.

We're coming off Night One and all the dudes are feeling good. Rachel is the #totalpackage and they're just amped to get this thing started. They gather for a pep talk from Chris Harrison before the date card is read.

^All of the guys in prep for today^

Our Lord and Savior: "I hope you are all here FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. HOPEFULLY we'll see all you suckers at the next Rose Ceremony. FORESHADOWING!"

The first group date is a cookout with some good ol' backyard games, refereed by none other than Bachelor Superfans Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. They've designed an admittedly awesome Husband Material obstacle course for the guys to complete: diaper changing, Baby Bjorn assembly, vacuuming, drain unclogging, table setting, flower delivery.

Iggy: "I poop every day. I got this."
Thanks for letting us know you have regular bowel movements, Iggy.

Lucas wins with a questionable stiff-arm against Kenny. His prize is nothing. Our prize is watching the rest of the guys continue to cradle their baby dolls on the sideline. Every person except Lucas is pissed that Lucas wins. He does the Whaboom for the Kutchers and makes them v uncomfy. How long do we have to endure this? Please, Chris Harrison, no more.

Baby dolls were most certainly harmed in the making of this ep.

Ashton: "All of these guys are morons. Next?"

At the wrap party, Blake E and Lucas get in a bitch fight about whether Lucas is there for the *~right reasons~*. Clearly Blake E has never seen this show before, because he immediately warns Rachel about Lucas (5 pts). Everyone knows that the correct strategy is to use Lucas' insanity to promote your own sanity. What is this, amateur hour? Guess Blake E the Amateur Aspiring Drummer is forever "aspiring."

Rachel: "All of these conversations are mundane. Next?"

Rachel is one of us.

Kenny escapes to wax exasperation about these "white dudes acting crazy." Thank you, Kenny, for saying what we're all thinking. But also, welcome to The Bachelorette?

Dean gets the rose. I can't wait for him to reveal that he believes marriage is an institutionalized sham. Dean's narrow, sloping shoulders give me the creeps.  

Peter gets the one-on-one and it's actually a two-on-one with Rachel's pup, Copper! They all three fall in love on this magical date at Barkfest. Pretty much the competition is now Peter's to lose. We're all obsessed: he's got that humble, gap toothed charm, a speck of Stage One salt&pepper hair, and a voice like John Smith. And of course can't forget his aptitude for (dog) fatherhood. I meeeeaannnnnn...

I, ever the pessimist, am having PTSD flashbacks to Desiree's season. I'm a liiiiiitle afraid that Peter might turn into another Brooks situation. Maybs not, but it's basically game over for Rachel at this point. Did you see her geeking out when the fireworks started?? He gets the rose OBVI.

The next group date is a basketball date. All the black guys are ecstatic. The white guys are quakin' in their pristine Air Jordans.

In the excitement of getting ready for their date, the guys lose all control of the English language. Side bar: Botching a Common English Idiom is my absolute favorite new point category.

DeMario: "You can sink with the fishes or swim to shore." A new version of the phrase "sink or swim," perhaps?

Josiah: "In the jungle, it's kill or be eaten. And I'm not gonna be anyone's meal."

Josiah: "She had on some legging tights that just fit her body like a Coca Cola bottle."

They arrive at the date, and are surprised by Kareem Abdul Jabbar! Pretty cool actually. What a star studded ep!

They play bball. Pretty standard procedure. Funny to see how bad Josiah is. DeMario dunks all over everyone. Classic.

After the game, Rachel is greeting all her adoring fans, and she is approached by a girl claiming to be DeMario's CURRENT girlfriend. Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN!!!!!

^Footage from our watch party^

That's what I'm talking about. YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS KIND OF DRAMA IS WHY WE WATCH THIS DUMB SHOW.

Rachel brings out DeMario to find out what the heck is going on. His reaction is price.less. He can't explain his side of the story coherently, so he gets the boot. Ladies, take note, because Rachel handled this perfectly.

Any time a man's explanation of alleged cheating begins with, "who is this person?" and gets walked back to, "we had sexual intercourse," then that conversation MUST end with, "I'm gonna need you to get the f*** out."

Don't try to pull this shit with an attorney.

The rest of the date gives the guys an opportunity to shine in the wake of DeMario. They do a good job. Josiah gets the rose.

We're left with cliffhanger at the end of the ep (careful, ABC) with DeMario crashing the cocktail party and begging Chris Harrison for some more screen time. If DeMario does, in fact, make contact with Rachel next week, he'll earn the coveted 15 points for Coming Back After Being Eliminated. He must have a conversation with Rachel to earn these points. Here's hoping DeMario turns out to be the cash cow I always knew he could be.

Check your standings, some teams are starting to break away with a strong lead! It's good to be back.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth

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Rachel Week One: Whaboom Goes the Dynamite

Welcome back, baches! You miss us? (correct answer is yes, otherwise we'll dock points)

To be totally honest, this break was too short. After Nick's season, I was pretty frustrated with ABC and ready to throw in the towel on the whole dedicating-over-thirty-hours-of-my-life-per-season thing. Thankfully, the second the show started, my head got back in the game, and I can confidently say I'm pumped for Rachel. All it took was the melodic tones of Chris Harrison, Our Lord and Savior, and a few too many fake courtroom scenes and my passion is back. I truly think Rachel will be a nice breath of fresh air to the starting-to-stale series. Not only are her 31 men racially diverse, but most seem to actually have actual personalities, which is quite the shift from past seasons (lookin' at you, JoJo...).

My progression of emotion during the first 5 minutes of the show.

Roses to Riches is still running coast-to-coast, and once again has close to 100 participants, including some people we didn't even have to bully into playing! We've hit the big time.

Exciting addition to this season: my mom drafted a team in the league and is now in full competition mode. She didn't come here to make friends and is SUPER judgy of people who chose to be on TV. She strategized and is determined to win. It's like that time she insisted on beating me in that "fun" 5k we ran together by pushing me back and sprinting away while shouting, "SEE YA!" This season could start some family feuds.

She's going to yell at me for including that.

Did anyone else notice that Chris Harrison's hair is just a smidge too dark? The hair stylist got a little too aggressive with the dye job. Embrace the salt and pepper, bruh. You're like a fine wine getting better and more lovable with age...not that I would know about fine wine. I'm drinking Barefoot.

As for the show, a lot goes on night one, so I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

Introduction highlights:

• So many cheesy puns - I'm loving it and Rachel is obvs loving it. 
• Bryan speaking sultry Spanish - yes please.
• Josiah's opening video package was a straight punch in the gut - he has the most heart wrenching story and I think I speak for America when I say we all want him to succeed. 
• Penguin suit man whose name I didn't even register - at least he knows it's a penguin and not a dolphin.
• Aspiring drummer showed up with a marching band, which not gonna lie, is one of my nerdiest fantasies. Take note, boys: it takes all 76 trombones to get my attention.
• Tickle Monster practiced what he preached and led with a tickle. If I were Rachel, I'd shout "NEXT!" and argue with any producer that tried to say "wrong show."
• Blake K doesn't have to say anything, because that bone structure made my knees week.
• Fred went to elementary school with Rachel and apparently was a bit of a bad kid! He's v attractive now, and let's hope he's got his act together.
• "See you later, litigator" is my new favorite lawyer joke.
• Adam decides to go the creepy route and bring a scary looking doll. More on that later.
• Lucas, aka Whaboom, is the absolute worst. He's like that little kid who got a laugh one time and has been repeating the same insufferable joke for 30 years since. Not funny then, not funny now, will never be funny.

Overall the guys gush about how smart Rachel is, which I'm unfortunately impressed with. I say unfortunately, because this shouldn't be something I'm surprised about. They all want to take her home to their moms, which is the highest compliment, as long as your mom is not like Regina George's.

Keep complimenting her intelligence, boys.

Best suits:

• Peter is looking FINE in that blue plaid jacket.
• Josiah's grey with black velvet wide lapels makes me drool.
• Bryce is rockin' his firefighter fomals, and who can complain about that?
• Diggy is able to make a million different patterns work together...I think it's the glasses that tie it all in.

Worst suits:

• Bryan, you're hot, but get those skinny lapels outta here.
• Dean's floral skinny tie mess
• Eric gets props for being different with a tan suit, but it's just not doing it for me.
• Jedidiah thinks he can get away without a jacket....ummm no.
• Lucas, because obvi. He's worst at everything.

As the night really begins, Josiah grabs her first for one-on-one time. It's a good move, but for the REST of the night he's puffing his chest and trying to assert his dominance over the other guys. He keeps insisting HE will be getting the first impression rose. Seriously, he says it like 10 times. Bruh, you're cute, but that ego is going to need to be checked if you plan on moving forward.

Rob somehow has Bachelor trading cards...? Where do I buy those? SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

Adam & his doll, Adam Jr, might take the cake for most bizarre gimmick of the night. It's hella creepy looking and the producers decide to run with it. Adam Jr is apparently French and will probably eat your soul. Rachel asks big Adam, "Is he always going to be around?" in a tone that more suggests "Are you clinically insane? Please dear God get rid of that thing." Demented looking dolls is a deal breaker in my book.

THIS IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF.

First true power move of the night is by Bryan, who swoops in for the First Real Kiss (+10pts!) The kiss was a little too I'm-going-to-eat-your-face for me, but Rachel is apparently into it. I'm not too surprised though, because his ABC bio said he's watched the show a lot before, so homeboy knows how to play the game.

Mohit fills the drunkard quota for the night. Probably had too many mojitos......GET IT? Sorry. I'll stop.

Milton, along with an unfortunate name, has an unfortunate affinity with purring. Yes, you read that right - he purrs MULTIPLE times throughout the night.
"At first it was funny, but then he kept doing it. Apparently purring is his *thing*." - Rachel. Milton will soon be purring his way outta the mansion.

Make that never.

Blake E, Mr. Aspiring Drummer, is already starting shit. Look, I get it--Lucas is indeed THE WORST, but night one is not the time to start arguments. Having a feud with Whaboom is only going to make the producers want to keep him longer, a la Corinne and Taylor. As my kindergarten teacher would say: ignore him and he'll get a plane ticket home.

First Impression Rose goes to...wait for it...face-sucking Bryan! (+10 MORE pts!) He's killin' it night one. Personally, I hope he can sustain this kind of momentum all season.

Some other stuff probably happened, then finally Chris Harrison awakens from his nap to announce the ceremony. Love ya, CH. Production isn't even trying to hide the fact that the sun is coming up and the "cocktail party" literally lasted all night. Would it kill them to start this "journey" an hour or two earlier, for the sake of sleep?

First rose of the night: Fab Plaid Suit Peter. The two of them would indeed have adorable gap-toothed babies together.

Final rose of the night: Lucas, despite all my yelling at the TV.

Somehow Tickle Monster snuck in there too. So much eye rolling.

Poor Milton sheds a few goodbye tears, but not for the reason you may think, aka Rachel. He's more upset about all the outfits he brought and won't be able to flaunt. Pour some out for Milton's fly wardrobe.

Sorry boutcha.

My favorite part of the entire evening is the season preview because HOT DAMN is this season going to be hilarious dramatic. I think it has to do with all the men being slightly older, but for some reason their tears seems more genuine than the 23 year old spoiled brats we've had the past few seasons. Seeing a 37 year old man cry for not getting his way just makes me light up with joy.

Double-check your point totals based on the below. If you have any questions about why points are how they are, shoot an email or text to your favorite commissioner.

Thank Chris Harrison the show is on an hour earlier next week. Your two commissioners will be hosting an awesome watch party together in Nashville next week, so if you're in town, stop on by. If you're not in town, expect a few face swap Snapchats.

Love and Roses,
Julie

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