Nick V Week Two: Happy Boob-day To You

Hello, my little minions.

Comin at ya this week from a raucous watch party in Nashville! It was a challenge fitting everyone into my living room.

Nah jk it's just me and my good friend Chardonnay. Nashville Conference, let's get our shit together.

Priorities, people. Priorities.

Right off the bat we're greeted by the ladies in the purest form of Bachelor salutations: shouting from an elevated area. Four points to each of those 14 ladies and let me tell you, that identification process was a bitch.

Morning visit from Our Lord and Savior! I love when we get impromptu appearances like this. All of the ladies are at their prime: haven't eaten since 3pm yesterday, newly energized by their 8am and 10am workouts, likely on their 5th mimosa. Just how I like to be when I receive my daily agenda from a god incarnate like ol' Chris Harrison.

The girls get the first date card. It's a group date: Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor and Elizabeth. They specifically call her Elizabeth W, which angers me beyond measure.

Don't tarnish my name, please. I am begging you.

The card says, "Always a bridesmaid..." In case you missed the joke (which almost all the girls did), it's the first half of the phrase, "Always a bridesmaid, never the bride." It refers to a woman who is a frequent participant in weddings buuuuuut never quite the star, i.e. the likely fate of most of these ladies, let's be honest.

None of these girls understand the phrase. Like, at all.
Dumb: "Wow, I've never been a bridesmaid! This will be fun!"
Dumber: "Wow, I've been a bridesmaid, but never a bride! This will be Nick's and my first time together! This will be fun!"

My eyes cannot roll back far enough in my head.

Nick: "I had this BRILLIANT idea to take wedding photos for our date." Oh did you, Nick?

So Nick is taking wedding photos with each girl in their different bridal gowns. It's awkward because Nick is, well, Nick, and the girls are all wasted. Oh my gawd, honestly, they are getting SO territorial, peeing on Nick kissing Nick in front of each other to get a one-up on everyone else. Seriously, girls. Be cool. "Hard to get" is a strategy that works. It's tried and true. Just ask Liz.

...Too soon?

Alexis, who is assigned the role of Shotgun Bride, is now 2 for 2 on days spent with Nick in costume. Alexis does not know what a shotgun wedding is, so there's that. She also has a horrendous New Jersey accent, so there's also that.

Corinne: "I get to wear a bikini, but Brittany gets to wear a bikini without a top. She has less clothes on than I do and it's not fairrrrrrr! Daddyyyyyyyyy."

Corinne is 100% the type of girl who only has guy friends and doesn't understand why she just can't get along with other girls.

We cut to a v important conversation in the house, where the girls are talking about who's kissed Nick so far. Because what else are they going to talk about? Liz is lording over them all, with a sly smile about her secret sex with Nick nine months ago. She's so condescending and it's super annoying. Like okay CONGRATS, Liz, he boned you in the bathroom at a wedding. You had your chance and you didn't take it. Move along, please.

Side note: every time Liz says "we hooked up nine months ago," I feel like she's about to announce that she just gave birth to Nick's child and she's here to retrieve her baby daddy. The ultimate plot twist! A girl can dream...

Back on the date, Corinne continues to fret about someone looking sexier than she does. Her crippling insecurities are shocking. Do you think you're the only person who's ever experienced that feeling, Corinne? Welcome to being a woman. Spoiler alert: she doesn't handle it well.

Someone put an intern on 24/7 Corinne watch - she seems like the violent type.

When it's Corinne's turn for her photo shoot, she goes for the power play by removing her bikini top and forcing Nick to cover her breasts. Nick looks exceptionally uncomfortable, as do the 10 other women in the immediate vicinity who are also trying to date him. This actually makes me pretty mad. It's basically sexual assault! Hear me out. What if the roles had been reversed here? What if Nick had been the one to remove his swimsuit and made Corinne cover his boner with her hands? America would be OUTRAGED, and rightfully so. I will take serious issue with anyone who champions this as bold and empowering feminism. You and Corinne can get OUTTA HERE with your manipulative bullshit. You can't do that.

But, against all odds (or perhaps most predictably), Corinne wins the competition. She has convinced herself that this is how you find a husband. Serious question for our straight, male readers out there: is she right? Have I been doing it wrong all this time? Should I be throwing my platinum vagine at you (her words, not mine) in exchange for a platinum ring?!?! Please weigh in in the comments.

Corinne: "When I feel something, I feel it with my boobs whole heart."

Corinne: "Dad would be proud. Even though I was naked, Dad would be proud."

I don't even know where to begin to unpack that statement.

At the wrap party, we overhear Brittany ask Nick, "Whose boobs were better? Mine or Corinne's?" As a reminder, Brittany was also topless for the photo shoot. But girlfriend, why would you subject yourself, or the man you're trying to marry, to that question? You're just begging to be objectified, evaluated, and deceived.

We learn that Raven got cheated on in her last relationship. The ex conversation lasts for appx 45 seconds, short and sweet. If I were on the Bachelor, my dating history would get its own spin off show--called Quit Dating Dweebs.

Actually, this is the title of my memoir. Look for it in a bookstore near you. 

Success story epilogue still TBD.

Short interlude where we see the date card arrive for Danielle M. Yay! "Your relationship is about to take off." IN A HELICOPTER?! PLEASE CHRIS HARRISON WE CAN ONLY HOPE.

Alexis continues to draw the short straw on the group date. She sits down with Nick and literally says one sentence before she's interrupted by Corinne. Her one sentence was, "I'm from Jersey." In a comically emphasized accent, to boot. What a unique Bachelor Journey that will definitely not lead to Alexis getting engaged! From Left Shark (which she continues to insist was a dolphin) to Pregnant Bride, now Girl from Jersey. If anyone deserves a participation trophy, it's Alexis.

Corinne and Taylor get into an interrupting war with each other, obviously instigated by Corinne who is the worst. Corinne refers to herself in the third person. Corinne also has never heard of the Golden Rule.

Taylor, hoping that Nick doesn't think with his dick: "Maybe his heart's coming to me and my brain!"

Corinne, knowing that Nick absolutely thinks with his dick: "All I did was put my boobs out there and I was myself! Just Corinne, clothes not necessary."

Corinne comes back from her third snog sesh with Nick. She's clearly still intoxicated and suddenly starts pontificating about how she's not here to make friends. Totally unwarranted and the other girls are staring at her like mmmmmmmm OKAY CORINNE.

In an unexpected turn of events (eye roll), Corinne gets the rose. She gives an acceptance speech like it's the freaking Golden Globes. Relax, Meryl.

Nick, bruh. Really?

Raven, to camera: "If Nick likes the kind of girl who leads with her sexuality, no wonder it's his fourth time on the show."
America, to each other: "That's SO Raven."

I think some of these girls might be confused. This is NICK. The one who called Andi out on national television for her hit it and quit it Fantasy Suite. The one who came on Kaitlyn's season halfway through and slept with her almost immediately, stirring the pot with the biggest wood(en spoon) he could muster find. Do these girls not know what they signed up for? This is not Sean Lowe, the born-again virgin. No wonder Corinne is winning!

Corinne: "When I was talking to Nick, he was like, LISTENING. Guys usually don't LISTEN to me!" It's clear that Corinne has low standards, but hey - low standards doesn't mean no standards. (h/t IRL Corinne)

with these people.

Finally the group date is over and it's time for Danielle M's one-on-one.

FIRST HELICOPTER! No fanfare! I appreciate your humility, ABC. Good job.

Danielle literally can't talk and it's adorable. They helicopter around for a while and then hang out on a yacht. Precious.

At dinner, we learn that Danielle's fiancé died from a drug overdose and she was the one who found him. She didn't even know he had been an addict. So tragic. Hug your loved ones, people.

On a lighter note, Danielle's jumpsuit is FIRE. She gets the rose and then she and Nick make out on a ferris wheel. #swoon

Meanwhile, Liz really needs to let her sex secret out.

Liz: "I need to talk about me and Nick having sex. Who can I trust? Def the virgin."

A producer play at its best, but I still love it.

As Christen learns the details of Liz and Nick's sordid past, she gets that uncomfortable, toothy smile that people get when they reeeeeally don't want to be having that conversation anymore. I've made that face many times. She is getting new details from Liz every hour, on the hour. It's like whenever I start dating someone new and all my closest friends get by-the-minute screenshots of our text messages. #analysisparalysis

Another date card arrives. Thank goodness. Sarah runs to retrieve it. Sarah runs everywhere. Anyone else notice that? Really sticking to her first night gimmick.

"We need to talk..." date with Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz.

Josephine: "I'm so excited! I haven't had this feeling since I was a teenager three years ago!"

They visit the Museum of Broken Relationships, which is basically a memorial of Bachelors and Bachelorettes past.

Nick donated Kaitlyn's engagement ring and a dead rose to the museum. Did Neil Lane approve that?

The girls have to do an exercise where they pretend to break up with Nick. The purpose of this exercise is to mentally prepare them for when Nick breaks up with them.

Nick to Josephine: "Can't wait to see how insane you are."

Liz to Nick: "U ready, bro? This shit is about to get real."

Most of the breakups are pretty unremarkable, except for Josephine. Josephine does an A+ skit wherein Nick is an alcoholic and she decides to leave him. She slaps Nick across the face and he definitely gets a boner from it.

Liz's turn. Damnit, Liz, stop being such an attention whore. She's telling their actual story and it's awful. You could cut the tension with a knife. No one knows the story is real, but everyone can sense Liz's crazy, simmering there beneath her psycho eyes. Yo, everyone is confused and Liz is the worst.

At the wrap party, Jaimi tells Nick that she used to date a woman. They joke about competing for the same girls in the house. I feeeeel like she might have just friend zoned herself with that line. Interesting that ABC just skimmed right over the fact that Jaimi is bisexual. I wonder if they'll come back to it? We shall see.

They clearly have bigger fish to fry this week.

Liz continues to prove that she sucks. Nick agrees and sends her home unceremoniously. Points on points on points! Apparently "always a bridesmaid, never Nick's bride" applies to Liz as well. #foreshadowing

Prediction: Liz will never wear that romper again. It is not nearly as cute from the back as she thinks it is.

We're left with a cliffhanger, so no rose ceremony this week.

"oh no. alexis. no no no no no no noooooooo." I forgot why I wrote this and just remembered. During the credits, we see Alexis trotting out two cupcakes decorated as boobs. Because it's her one year fake boob-iversary. She and Nick eat them together and I want to punch her in the face. How dare she disrespect cupcakes like that?

Next week we anticipate a dramatic fallout from the Liz sitch. Can't wait to watch these girls crumble after hearing the news. Should be mahhhvelous.

High points earned this week! Check your standings. Leave us some validation below. Our egos will appreciate it.

Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
League Commissioner

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Nick V Week One: Fins to the Left, (Shark)Fins to the Right

Welcome back, Bachies! We're thrilled to begin our eighth season of roses, points, and casual Monday night gambling. The Roses to Riches club has maintained its strong participation numbers, with more than 100 participants spanning coast to coast once again.

Some administrative announcements:

There have been a few slight rule changes this season. See your Rules and Deets doc for details. If you don't have one, yell at your pool captain about it. Of the rule changes, my favorite is the addition of Over-the-Hill Points. This season, contestants aged 30 or over will receive three extra points for each episode they appear in. There are only three geriatric contestants in the competition, despite Nick being 36. Let's see how this plays out, shall we?

Also, in case you missed it, we have eliminated Minority Points, due to Nick's extremely diverse and racially ambiguous cast. This is a true win for humanity.

Side Note: I always miss Chris Harrison, our lord and savior, SO MUCH during the off season. His voice is like a big hug. Mr. Harrison, if you're reading, please come live in my apartment as a therapeutic life coach.

As we begin the episode, Nick really turns on the charm. He appears to be humble and relatively self aware. In the beginning we get a good recap of his past humiliations on TV.

Elizabeth is proud of his big Catholic family. His sister Bella has grown up a lot - wasn't she just a toddler last season? She's now old enough to offer "advice." Bizarre.

He meets with bachelor-emeriti Chris, Sean and Ben. They offer nothing of value, but get their ABC appearance paycheck. This is a pleasant reminder that Nick is the most interesting bachelor in at least four seasons, so we've got that going for us.

Damn girl. Got some sun to go with that shade?

The contestant bios begin, and honestly, this part of the night is kind of a blackout for blog notes. I was busy furiously writing draft notes that include the following, in no particular order:

- psycho eyes

- too much midriff

- NO PLS NO

- relatively normal

- ADULT WITH A NANNY

- old, but promising

- destined for paradise

- BOOBS

- good sob story

- gorgeous but annoying

- excited about food. KEEPER

- no underwear. NO UNDERWEAR. do not pick.

- dead eyes

I'll let you figure out which girl gets which note.

Other highlights: Neil Lane makes a guest appearance to get his sponsorship money's worth. Many contestants have potty mouths, tattoos and red dresses. Liz had a drunk quickie with Nick at a wedding earlier this year. Danielle is super confident in her french toast. Josephine forced him to eat a cold hot dog. Alexis thinks her shark costume is a dolphin.

#neverforget

Let's unpack that last one real quick - the "aspiring dolphin trainer" doesn't realize that her Left Shark costume is not, in fact, a dolphin. How is that possible? A) Wherever she got that costume from for sure had it titled "shark costume." B) Aren't there obnoxious actual dolphin costumes she could have worn? C) She probably doesn't know that Chicken of the Sea is tuna. WHY is she doing this to herself? 

The limos leave, the girls put their game faces on, and our watch party launches in drafting chaos. 

^Two pools drafting in one apartment looks like this ^

Once drafting is complete the point categories begin. 

Rachel gets the first chat time. She's adorable and clearly too intelligent to be on this show. We immediately see some sparks and I immediately begin shit talking since she was my first draft pick. Keep it up, girl.

Virgin Christen has the hungriest eyes. She's wearing a highlighter-yellow dress and clearly imagining Nick naked - not that we need to imagine since ABC put a camera man in Nick's shower at the top of the show.

Bring on the points!

Corinne shows up as the early villain. She tries to suppress her crazy at first in front of Nick, but that doesn't last long. She steals him away for a second one-on-one chat so that she can earn First Kiss Points! Conveniently, all the other girls saw the kiss and the hatred spread like wild fire. According to Nick he wasn't totally comfortable with the gun-jumping, but that clearly didn't stop him from participating in the >3sec smooch. 

Liz, however, kissed him nine months ago – so she's feeling good.

We're getting a lot of stealing away points and even some early tear points from Jasmine G.

Claw are coming out and I'm remembering why I love this show.

Dolphin/Shark girl is killin' me. She starts calling for Nick with her best dolphin impression while wading in the pool. Nick is understandably concerned with her confusion of sharks and dolphins. She does a confessional interview and her eyes don't open, so she earns the first Visibly Intoxicated points of the season.

Nick calls out the elephant in the mansion with Liz. She's Jade's best friend and hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. After the incident he asked for her number, she said no thanks, then waited nine months to reach out to him via national television. Nick's cautious, as he should be, but my guess is that we'll see her for at least another two episodes.

"Except we didn't sleep and he may not remember me."

Taylor has told him multiple times that her friends think he is a piece of shit. <- that is not hyperbole; she got bleeped out every time. It's not like "my friends hate you BUT...here's a compliment to show you that I feel differently." She just says piece of shit and leaves it. That technique has never worked for me in the past, but good luck to her.

Danielle M is ADORABLE. The baby nurse. They have some chemistry and she seems likes a pleasant human to be around. Snaps for Danielle M.

Vanessa apparently hates flowers. Gonna be a rough experience for her.

Rachel gets the first impression rose! I'm thrilled, as is the Bachelor PR team now that a minority woman is an early front runner. Looks like HuffPo will need to table their white washing op-eds for at least another week.

Keep the points coming, Rachel.

At the first rose ceremony of the season Vanessa gets the first rose and Liz rounds out with the final. Sharkphin girl shockingly gets a rose. Going home tonight this morning are Angela, Briana, Ida Marie, Jasmine B, Lauren, Michelle, Olivia and Susannah. We get some last minute tear points from Briana and Lauren.

Props to Rob S, Clare C, Mary and Amanda out of Chicago, Jessica in Kansas City, and Alex H in Nashville for the only teams completely standing after night one! (and trust me, it's painful to give any credit to Rob S for anything)

Check your points and double-check our work on the pool listings. We typed a lot of teams after several bottles of Bachelor branded wine, so there are likely to be a few typos. Reach out to commish@rosestoriches.com with questions or tweet @rosestoriches. Leave us some love below.

Love and Roses, 

Julie

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Nick V Season Preview: The Hoes Before the Rose

YAHOO! We are back for another season of the Bachelor. It's our eighth here at RtR, if you can believe it. Like a forest creature preparing for winter, we've been quietly squirreling away our snark for the past few months, and we are ready to unleash it come January 2. Lucky for you, you get a sneak peek! Please note the PROPER spelling of sneak peek there, ugh people can be such eejits. It's time for the second seasonal edition of Hoes Before the Rose, where we drunkenly check out the contestants, make snap judgments based on their appearance and question-answering capability, and preemptively decide that Nick V is once again doomed to fail.

Tonight, I am joined by Nashville Conference Director Emily Wurz and long-time league participant Katharine F. We will review every participant and what follows will be a transcribed compilation (and serious sober editing) of our thoughts on the ladies. We are all going in blind here so there are no preconceptions, only gut reactions.

The tone has been set with The Nutcracker playing softly in the background. The wine has been poured. 

It is time.

God, Nick looks so tired. He has dead eyes. Look at that. He sort of looks sad in that picture. Well, this is his fourth time on the Bachelor. I'm sure he is exhausted. He is 36 after all. We can only hope that this means the girls are going to be older too. He needs someone who's at least 30. His half-plus-seven is 25, so I (Elizabeth) am disqualifying anyone younger than that just on principle.

"Nick is back stronger than ever and eager to find true love." That’s not what this picture says.

One of ELEVEN kids?! He comes from a nice big Catholic family, I feel so bad for them.

No one in Bachelor History has climbed the Bach mountain back up to being THE BACHELOR after sinking down to the low low level of Bachelor in Paradise. This is unheard of. Record breaking stuff. 

Group photo: They’re all SO TINY AND OH MY GOD SOMEONE IS WEARING A SHARK SUIT. Just straight chillin' in the top row. She probably wanted to take it off so bad but was forced to keep it on.

Let’s trot out the ladies...hate your hair, not likely. Yikes. Yikes yikes. And let me guess...you have a great personality.

Alexis, 23, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

Looks like a poor man's Jade. Told ya they're gonna be young. Bear in mind, this girl is not an ACTUAL dolphin trainer, just an aspiring one. What does that mean? Is this a pipe dream? Is she taking actual career steps to be a dolphin trainer? What's she doing in the meantime? Need some elaboration here. She also wants to BE a dolphin so she can have sex for pleasure because she loves the ocean. Would probably make dolphin training easier. Alexis is afraid of ET, the fictional movie character. All other aliens/foreign matter are cool though.

Their clothes are always terrible but what’s worse are these grade school photo backdrops. #budgetcuts

Angela, 26, Model

Angela. ANGELA. We all said it twice. Whoa so much hair. Wonder how much of it is real? Also wants to be a dolphin because they have sex for pleasure because they are sociable and live in family groups. Craziest thing she's ever done is move to a new city. By her standards, most of us are off-the-charts bonkers! 

FOR THE RECORD: Emily, Katharine and I all tried to come up with a better, more original list of five things to live without. Independently we all came up with everything on Angela’s list. Touché, ANGELA. She looks like Britt.

Astrid, 26, Plastic Surgery Office Manager
She looks familiar, like someone I went to college with maybe. Third dolphin wannabe, her reasoning is sex for pleasure so she can rescue lost sailors and do fun tricks in the ocean. What exactly does she think dolphins do all day? “If I never had to work again I would be very happy.” Good thing you are on the Bachelor, Astrid. After you become semi-internet famous you can just 'gram the shit out of those hair vitamin gummies and live happily ever after.
PREDICTION: She’ll get 6 episodes in without saying a word.

Briana, 28, Surgical Unit Nurse
Too much space between her eyebrows. Oldest person yet. Wants to be dolphin so she can have sex for pleasure do flips and breathe under water (newsflash: DOLPHINS ARE MAMMALS AND CAN'T BREATHE UNDER WATER OMG HOW ARE YOU A NURSE). Craziest thing she’s done is move. Again?? 

Preview of Alexis, Angela, Astrid and Briana meeting for the first time.

FOR THE RECORD: Emily would not be a dolphin. She would be Perdita (of the famous dog couple Pongo + Perdita from 101 Dalmatians). If they were any fruit/vegetable, Katharine would be a peach because they are "juicy and a little bit sexy," and Emily would be "a jalapeño. No, a pepperoncini, because I am down to party in a pizza box." <--direct quotes

Brittany, 26, Travel Nurse
Has a legit career that she enjoys. Great answers despite questionable prompts, such as "how much do you like camping?" ...What kind of question is that? She is tiny, so probably also spunky.

Do you like camping this much?

Or this much?

Christen, 25, Wedding Videographer
Her face is so small compared to her hair. Nick must love small brunettes. UGH. Haven’t seen a redhead yet. Christen really over-explained her love for grapefruit. She appears to be a conspiracy theorist. Wants to spend months inside a closet in the White House to observe the inner workings of government (that is a very long time to be in a closet, R. Kelly Christen). Wants to be the President for a day so she can know all the government secrets. Loves Scandal. NSA is definitely watching her now. She has small teeth.
FOR THE RECORD: If Emily were a fictional character, she would be Clifford the Big Red Dog. 

Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies continues in the background.

Corinne, 24, Business Owner
A blonde! All of her answers are generic and totally pandering to Nick as the Bachelor. Fav city is Chicago, can run her online business from anywhere, wants to find her prince charming, has SOoOooO many embarrassing moments. The one hysterical outlier is that her favorite show is Frasier. Way to keep it real, Corinne. 

PREDICTION: Real Life Corinne will draft Bach Corinne out of solidarity.

Danielle L, 27, Small Business Owner
Gonna be giggly. Wants to be a fox because they are responsive. Responsive to what, exactly, is unclear. Admires Chrissy Tiegen. Most oUtRaGeOuS activity was not respecting a “locals only” sign on some vacation adventure. Favorite book is The 5 Love Languages. I read this book too but once was enough. I question her judgment.

Danielle M, 31, Neonatal Nurse
31! Neonatal nurse! 5'10"! The oldest and the tallest! Her fictional character is Hermione! She has a sob story but seems to have pulled herself up by her bootstraps! We like her!

We have one keeper.

Dominique, 25, Restaurant Server
Mentions Chipotle twice in her bio. A lot of these ladies want to be pineapples.

Elizabeth/Liz, 29, Doula
Don’t love her one-sleeve shirt, it's very 2007. “If I never had to KILL SOMEONE I would be very happy.” That's concerning, do you currently have to kill people on a regular basis? Golf angers her, I feel that. Doesn’t understand the difference between grapes aging and wine aging. "If I were a fruit I'd be a grape so I would get better with age." Honey, WINE gets better with age. Grapes wither into wrinkly old raisins. Something tells me that's not what you meant.

Elizabeth, 24, Marketing Manager
I was hoping she would be better looking/less boring. “My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate.” Does that mean that no one else would consider them achievements? 

PREDICTION: Won't make it past night one.

From one Elizabeth to another: DO BETTER.

Hailey, 23, Photographer
Canadian. Straight out of the 90s, she looks SO SAD. One of her tattoos is a bobby pin. Doesn’t like serenades or only children. Loves Sheryl Crow (called it) and Dr Seuss. This girl is so angsty.

Ida Marie, 23, Sales Manager
IIIIIIIda Marieeeee! Gonna say her name like that every time she's on. From Texas of course, as all Ida Maries are. Wants to be a giraffe. Fav snack is Cheetos and a pickle. Are you high, Ida Marie? Self proclaimed non-reader.

Jaimi, 28, Chef
Only 5'2", how does she reach the top shelf liquor!? Catered the Oscars, which is the most legit achievement in the bunch so far. Doesn’t eat red meat or pork but has a super annoying, chef-y way of saying it. One jacked up eyebrow. Gotta fill that in, girlfriend.

Jasmine B, 25, Flight Attendant
Flaws: too nice, cares too much. Steve Harvey is her favorite author, she definitely lives and dies by Think Like a Man.

Jasmine G, 29, Pro Basketball Dancer
Wants to be Guy Fieri for a day. Biggest fear is being stranded out in open water. Good thing she’s about to meet a lot of girls who want to be dolphins and can save her! She would use lottery money to buy socks because she can never find them. Emily: "What does that mean? Does she not know where to buy socks??"

She can borrow this cat's socks, if needed.

Josephine, 24, Registered Nurse
Looks kinda scary but Katharine is into it. Black lace off the shoulder with a diamond choker. Her hair is very...done. In a surprising twist, Josephine would want to be Stephen Hawking for a day, she loves A Thousand Splendid Suns, and she used to do theatre. If she could be a veggie, she would be "something disgusting so no one eats me!" Just don't look at her picture and she seems very interesting and kind of cool.

Kristina, 24, Dental Hygienist
She's an orphan--watch out for potential abandonment issues that the producers will try to manipulate out of her. Loves Ninja Warrior and Fiona from Shrek. Doesn’t fear aging. Seems like a reasonable young woman and she looks perfectly fine too! Snaps for Kristina!

Accidentally closed the browser with eleven tabs remaining (one for each child in the Viall fam). My bad, you guys.

Aaaaand just spilled my water everywhere. Emily's cleaning it up now. Better water than wine, amiright? Nutcracker has started over. Dance of the Parents in the background.

Lacey, 25, Digital Marketing Manager
First, Emily needs "a titch more wine." <--direct quote
Lacey is tiny and she speaks Arabic. Worst date fear: “That he’s going on another date right after ours (that has happened before).” If we're going for parallelism here, mine would have to say: “That he’s married (that has happened before).”

Lauren, 30, Law School Graduate
30! Law school! 5'7"! Defying the odds so far. Wants to be a dolphin because they have sex for pleasure are cute and smart and get to live under the sea. Lauren gives 100% as a lovah, aka gives a lot of bjs. All these girls love Stepbrothers, such a guy's guy movie. 

FOR THE RECORD: Emily’s favorite movie: Can't decide between She’s the Man OR American Gangster. ("I love Amanda Bynes. Gouda?") Katharine: Best in Show. Eliz: I'll give you one guess.

Ever notice the consistency in ENG gifs and quotes in posts by Elizabeth?

Michelle, 24, Food Truck Owner

Food truck owner! She would have lunch with Dumbledore (Sunday roast), Gwen Stefani (tacos), or Princess Di (fish 'n' chips). I love her for those oddly specific but awesome choices. I have a hunch she is Brazilian. Need to know what she serves from her food truck. She is only 5'1" so she can fit inside the truck very easily.

Olivia, 25, Apparel Sales Representative
From Alaska. Inuit? Is this the year we don’t have minority points? That would be a true win for humanity. Plus there are so many gray area girls this season. Olivia was the kicker for her high school football team! Hahahahah such a hilarious outlier on her list of otherwise very generic facts.

Rachel, 31, Attorney
Career focused, workaholic. Mentioned an obscure artist, probably too smart for this show.

Raven, 25, Fashion Boutique Owner
Very raven-esque. If she could be anyone she would be BLUE IVY. Favorite actress is Brittany Murphy, specifically when she was alive. Not a big fan of Brittany's post-mortem work. Already has big plans for (tasteful) plastic surgery. Most romantic gesture she's experienced was someone leaving a gift on her car that HAPPENED TO BE A DIAMOND NECKLACE. Eyeroll. I am going to say, “That’s SO Raven” any time she does literally anything on the show.

Expect a lot of these .gifs if she makes it past night one.

Sarah, 26, Newport Beach
She looks like a Sarah. And she looks EXACTLY like what a third grade teacher from Orange County would look like. She seems boring. We know this because she liked it when someone named a star after her. Such a gross, nothing gesture.

Susannah, 26, Account Manager
Her most embarrassing moment was a botched bend-and-snap in high school. Wants to be Ariel. Greatest achievement was flying to Europe on a whim. Not sure I would list that as an achievement. Cue lengthy discussion about achievements. 

FOR THE RECORD: Emily's greatest achievement is surviving, i.e. being a functional adult (paying bills on time, knowing how to schedule a doctor's appointment, flossing, not needing to attend THIS SEMINAR).

Taylor, 23, Mental Health Counselor
Taylor's favorite clothing designer is Forever21. Forever21's PR team is high-fiving itself now, while actual designers the world over are...probably doing the same thing. Dodged a bullet there. Taylor is a big fan of a motivational speaker named Brenee Brown who is probably her aunt. Best date strategy is “look bomb.” Girl, with hoop earrings bigger than your fist you are already well on your way.

Hoop earrings are Taylor's thing.

Vanessa, 29, Special Education Teacher
Looks like she’s been on the show before. Kinda mom-ish. Canadian. Wants to be an onion because they are a staple item and found year round. V practical. She is fixated on guys having a GREAT SMILE which is kind of a weird thing to have as a deal breaker. She's afraid of hurting people’s feelings, how Canadian of her. What I like about Vanessa is that she appears to have normal sized arms. Emily likes that she probably could use some dry shampoo every now and then.

SIDE NOTE: Isn't there a Canadian version of the Bachelor/Bachelorette? Why are there so many Canadians on the 'Murican version? They're far too nice to compete against our crazies.

STAY ON YO SIDE, you polite jerks.

Whitney, 25, Pilates Instructor
Very sultry pose. Wants to be Gisele because Gisele is married to Tom Brady. Aim higher, Whitney. When asked how much she enjoys the theatre, she answered, "I like going to movies but I also watch them at home on Netflix." That question just went RIGHT over her head. Obviously if someone asks you about "the theatre" (pronounced theat-AH) they do not mean your local Malco that shows $5 movies on Tuesdays. My eyes cannot roll far back enough in my head.

^this kind of theatre.

And with that, my eyes return to their upright and locked position and we are done! So many bizarre women, so little wine time. 

Thanks to Emily and Katharine for being enablers for me tonight, it was a lovely evening. Come back soon.

Reminder: You have until the end of 2016 to register your pool for this season! Check the Registration tab for more information and let a commissioner know if you have any questions. So jazzed to kick off the season soon! Until next time.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth

League Commissioner

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JoJo's Season Finale: This Blog Is Now On Brazilian Time

Hello from the other side of the equator! Your trusty commissioners have not been so trusty this week and for that we apologize. In case you're completely out of the loop, Julie and I are in Rio de Janeiro working for Team USA during the Olympics. We arrived on Saturday and have been busy Brazilian bees ever since.

Here's what's happening in our neck of the woods.

Botafogo vs Palmeiras futebol game

View of Ipanema Beach from USA House

View of Copacabana beach from the roof of NBC Studios

Christ the Redeemer statue + reassuring parents of our safety

Background extras on The Today Show, i.e. making Natalie and Hoda look good.

Olympic rings on Copacabana beach.

We just watched the episode and to be honest we were pretty underwhelmed.

JoJo's mom appears to have had some restorative plastic surgery during the off season. Her face seems more agile this time around.

Jordan screwed up. JoJo whined about it incessantly and made herself very unlikeable, in my opinion. Not because of the whole thing with Jordan asking her dad permission to marry her, but just the way she approached the entire ensuing argument. She straight up was not listening to a single word Jordan was saying to her and she was acting like such a brat. Jordan has decent reasoning for doing what he did but she's so paranoid that she can't even hear it when he's saying it right to her face! Ugh it made me want to turn the episode off and go back to the beach.

Robby does well with the parents but it's obvious the show is setting him up for a hard fall.

Robby takes a hard fall. He handles it well and doesn't even shed a damn tear.

Jordan wins, shocking no one. To quote himself, he "gets on a knee," as if he's in a sports huddle thing for one of his former professional teams.

That's it! JoJo and her predictable choices led us to the most anticlimactic season finale in Bachelor History. And with that, we've got another great season of The Bachelorette and Roses to Riches on the books. Points are up, so Pool Captains should check those out and distribute prizes accordingly. Please don't hesitate to reach out with any questions! Julie and I are both available via regular cell phone communication so we can help if you need us.

Sorry again for the extreme delay. We love (and roses) you to pieces but we've got things to do down here.

Go Team USA!

Tchao,

Elizabeth and Julie
Co-Commissioners

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