Nick V Season Preview: The Hoes Before the Rose

YAHOO! We are back for another season of the Bachelor. It's our eighth here at RtR, if you can believe it. Like a forest creature preparing for winter, we've been quietly squirreling away our snark for the past few months, and we are ready to unleash it come January 2. Lucky for you, you get a sneak peek! Please note the PROPER spelling of sneak peek there, ugh people can be such eejits. It's time for the second seasonal edition of Hoes Before the Rose, where we drunkenly check out the contestants, make snap judgments based on their appearance and question-answering capability, and preemptively decide that Nick V is once again doomed to fail.

Tonight, I am joined by Nashville Conference Director Emily Wurz and long-time league participant Katharine F. We will review every participant and what follows will be a transcribed compilation (and serious sober editing) of our thoughts on the ladies. We are all going in blind here so there are no preconceptions, only gut reactions.

The tone has been set with The Nutcracker playing softly in the background. The wine has been poured. 

It is time.

God, Nick looks so tired. He has dead eyes. Look at that. He sort of looks sad in that picture. Well, this is his fourth time on the Bachelor. I'm sure he is exhausted. He is 36 after all. We can only hope that this means the girls are going to be older too. He needs someone who's at least 30. His half-plus-seven is 25, so I (Elizabeth) am disqualifying anyone younger than that just on principle.

"Nick is back stronger than ever and eager to find true love." That’s not what this picture says.

One of ELEVEN kids?! He comes from a nice big Catholic family, I feel so bad for them.

No one in Bachelor History has climbed the Bach mountain back up to being THE BACHELOR after sinking down to the low low level of Bachelor in Paradise. This is unheard of. Record breaking stuff. 

Group photo: They’re all SO TINY AND OH MY GOD SOMEONE IS WEARING A SHARK SUIT. Just straight chillin' in the top row. She probably wanted to take it off so bad but was forced to keep it on.

Let’s trot out the ladies...hate your hair, not likely. Yikes. Yikes yikes. And let me guess...you have a great personality.

Alexis, 23, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

Looks like a poor man's Jade. Told ya they're gonna be young. Bear in mind, this girl is not an ACTUAL dolphin trainer, just an aspiring one. What does that mean? Is this a pipe dream? Is she taking actual career steps to be a dolphin trainer? What's she doing in the meantime? Need some elaboration here. She also wants to BE a dolphin so she can have sex for pleasure because she loves the ocean. Would probably make dolphin training easier. Alexis is afraid of ET, the fictional movie character. All other aliens/foreign matter are cool though.

Their clothes are always terrible but what’s worse are these grade school photo backdrops. #budgetcuts

Angela, 26, Model

Angela. ANGELA. We all said it twice. Whoa so much hair. Wonder how much of it is real? Also wants to be a dolphin because they have sex for pleasure because they are sociable and live in family groups. Craziest thing she's ever done is move to a new city. By her standards, most of us are off-the-charts bonkers! 

FOR THE RECORD: Emily, Katharine and I all tried to come up with a better, more original list of five things to live without. Independently we all came up with everything on Angela’s list. Touché, ANGELA. She looks like Britt.

Astrid, 26, Plastic Surgery Office Manager
She looks familiar, like someone I went to college with maybe. Third dolphin wannabe, her reasoning is sex for pleasure so she can rescue lost sailors and do fun tricks in the ocean. What exactly does she think dolphins do all day? “If I never had to work again I would be very happy.” Good thing you are on the Bachelor, Astrid. After you become semi-internet famous you can just 'gram the shit out of those hair vitamin gummies and live happily ever after.
PREDICTION: She’ll get 6 episodes in without saying a word.

Briana, 28, Surgical Unit Nurse
Too much space between her eyebrows. Oldest person yet. Wants to be dolphin so she can have sex for pleasure do flips and breathe under water (newsflash: DOLPHINS ARE MAMMALS AND CAN'T BREATHE UNDER WATER OMG HOW ARE YOU A NURSE). Craziest thing she’s done is move. Again?? 

Preview of Alexis, Angela, Astrid and Briana meeting for the first time.

FOR THE RECORD: Emily would not be a dolphin. She would be Perdita (of the famous dog couple Pongo + Perdita from 101 Dalmatians). If they were any fruit/vegetable, Katharine would be a peach because they are "juicy and a little bit sexy," and Emily would be "a jalapeño. No, a pepperoncini, because I am down to party in a pizza box." <--direct quotes

Brittany, 26, Travel Nurse
Has a legit career that she enjoys. Great answers despite questionable prompts, such as "how much do you like camping?" ...What kind of question is that? She is tiny, so probably also spunky.

Do you like camping this much?

Or this much?

Christen, 25, Wedding Videographer
Her face is so small compared to her hair. Nick must love small brunettes. UGH. Haven’t seen a redhead yet. Christen really over-explained her love for grapefruit. She appears to be a conspiracy theorist. Wants to spend months inside a closet in the White House to observe the inner workings of government (that is a very long time to be in a closet, R. Kelly Christen). Wants to be the President for a day so she can know all the government secrets. Loves Scandal. NSA is definitely watching her now. She has small teeth.
FOR THE RECORD: If Emily were a fictional character, she would be Clifford the Big Red Dog. 

Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies continues in the background.

Corinne, 24, Business Owner
A blonde! All of her answers are generic and totally pandering to Nick as the Bachelor. Fav city is Chicago, can run her online business from anywhere, wants to find her prince charming, has SOoOooO many embarrassing moments. The one hysterical outlier is that her favorite show is Frasier. Way to keep it real, Corinne. 

PREDICTION: Real Life Corinne will draft Bach Corinne out of solidarity.

Danielle L, 27, Small Business Owner
Gonna be giggly. Wants to be a fox because they are responsive. Responsive to what, exactly, is unclear. Admires Chrissy Tiegen. Most oUtRaGeOuS activity was not respecting a “locals only” sign on some vacation adventure. Favorite book is The 5 Love Languages. I read this book too but once was enough. I question her judgment.

Danielle M, 31, Neonatal Nurse
31! Neonatal nurse! 5'10"! The oldest and the tallest! Her fictional character is Hermione! She has a sob story but seems to have pulled herself up by her bootstraps! We like her!

We have one keeper.

Dominique, 25, Restaurant Server
Mentions Chipotle twice in her bio. A lot of these ladies want to be pineapples.

Elizabeth/Liz, 29, Doula
Don’t love her one-sleeve shirt, it's very 2007. “If I never had to KILL SOMEONE I would be very happy.” That's concerning, do you currently have to kill people on a regular basis? Golf angers her, I feel that. Doesn’t understand the difference between grapes aging and wine aging. "If I were a fruit I'd be a grape so I would get better with age." Honey, WINE gets better with age. Grapes wither into wrinkly old raisins. Something tells me that's not what you meant.

Elizabeth, 24, Marketing Manager
I was hoping she would be better looking/less boring. “My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate.” Does that mean that no one else would consider them achievements? 

PREDICTION: Won't make it past night one.

From one Elizabeth to another: DO BETTER.

Hailey, 23, Photographer
Canadian. Straight out of the 90s, she looks SO SAD. One of her tattoos is a bobby pin. Doesn’t like serenades or only children. Loves Sheryl Crow (called it) and Dr Seuss. This girl is so angsty.

Ida Marie, 23, Sales Manager
IIIIIIIda Marieeeee! Gonna say her name like that every time she's on. From Texas of course, as all Ida Maries are. Wants to be a giraffe. Fav snack is Cheetos and a pickle. Are you high, Ida Marie? Self proclaimed non-reader.

Jaimi, 28, Chef
Only 5'2", how does she reach the top shelf liquor!? Catered the Oscars, which is the most legit achievement in the bunch so far. Doesn’t eat red meat or pork but has a super annoying, chef-y way of saying it. One jacked up eyebrow. Gotta fill that in, girlfriend.

Jasmine B, 25, Flight Attendant
Flaws: too nice, cares too much. Steve Harvey is her favorite author, she definitely lives and dies by Think Like a Man.

Jasmine G, 29, Pro Basketball Dancer
Wants to be Guy Fieri for a day. Biggest fear is being stranded out in open water. Good thing she’s about to meet a lot of girls who want to be dolphins and can save her! She would use lottery money to buy socks because she can never find them. Emily: "What does that mean? Does she not know where to buy socks??"

She can borrow this cat's socks, if needed.

Josephine, 24, Registered Nurse
Looks kinda scary but Katharine is into it. Black lace off the shoulder with a diamond choker. Her hair is very...done. In a surprising twist, Josephine would want to be Stephen Hawking for a day, she loves A Thousand Splendid Suns, and she used to do theatre. If she could be a veggie, she would be "something disgusting so no one eats me!" Just don't look at her picture and she seems very interesting and kind of cool.

Kristina, 24, Dental Hygienist
She's an orphan--watch out for potential abandonment issues that the producers will try to manipulate out of her. Loves Ninja Warrior and Fiona from Shrek. Doesn’t fear aging. Seems like a reasonable young woman and she looks perfectly fine too! Snaps for Kristina!

Accidentally closed the browser with eleven tabs remaining (one for each child in the Viall fam). My bad, you guys.

Aaaaand just spilled my water everywhere. Emily's cleaning it up now. Better water than wine, amiright? Nutcracker has started over. Dance of the Parents in the background.

Lacey, 25, Digital Marketing Manager
First, Emily needs "a titch more wine." <--direct quote
Lacey is tiny and she speaks Arabic. Worst date fear: “That he’s going on another date right after ours (that has happened before).” If we're going for parallelism here, mine would have to say: “That he’s married (that has happened before).”

Lauren, 30, Law School Graduate
30! Law school! 5'7"! Defying the odds so far. Wants to be a dolphin because they have sex for pleasure are cute and smart and get to live under the sea. Lauren gives 100% as a lovah, aka gives a lot of bjs. All these girls love Stepbrothers, such a guy's guy movie. 

FOR THE RECORD: Emily’s favorite movie: Can't decide between She’s the Man OR American Gangster. ("I love Amanda Bynes. Gouda?") Katharine: Best in Show. Eliz: I'll give you one guess.

Ever notice the consistency in ENG gifs and quotes in posts by Elizabeth?

Michelle, 24, Food Truck Owner

Food truck owner! She would have lunch with Dumbledore (Sunday roast), Gwen Stefani (tacos), or Princess Di (fish 'n' chips). I love her for those oddly specific but awesome choices. I have a hunch she is Brazilian. Need to know what she serves from her food truck. She is only 5'1" so she can fit inside the truck very easily.

Olivia, 25, Apparel Sales Representative
From Alaska. Inuit? Is this the year we don’t have minority points? That would be a true win for humanity. Plus there are so many gray area girls this season. Olivia was the kicker for her high school football team! Hahahahah such a hilarious outlier on her list of otherwise very generic facts.

Rachel, 31, Attorney
Career focused, workaholic. Mentioned an obscure artist, probably too smart for this show.

Raven, 25, Fashion Boutique Owner
Very raven-esque. If she could be anyone she would be BLUE IVY. Favorite actress is Brittany Murphy, specifically when she was alive. Not a big fan of Brittany's post-mortem work. Already has big plans for (tasteful) plastic surgery. Most romantic gesture she's experienced was someone leaving a gift on her car that HAPPENED TO BE A DIAMOND NECKLACE. Eyeroll. I am going to say, “That’s SO Raven” any time she does literally anything on the show.

Expect a lot of these .gifs if she makes it past night one.

Sarah, 26, Newport Beach
She looks like a Sarah. And she looks EXACTLY like what a third grade teacher from Orange County would look like. She seems boring. We know this because she liked it when someone named a star after her. Such a gross, nothing gesture.

Susannah, 26, Account Manager
Her most embarrassing moment was a botched bend-and-snap in high school. Wants to be Ariel. Greatest achievement was flying to Europe on a whim. Not sure I would list that as an achievement. Cue lengthy discussion about achievements. 

FOR THE RECORD: Emily's greatest achievement is surviving, i.e. being a functional adult (paying bills on time, knowing how to schedule a doctor's appointment, flossing, not needing to attend THIS SEMINAR).

Taylor, 23, Mental Health Counselor
Taylor's favorite clothing designer is Forever21. Forever21's PR team is high-fiving itself now, while actual designers the world over are...probably doing the same thing. Dodged a bullet there. Taylor is a big fan of a motivational speaker named Brenee Brown who is probably her aunt. Best date strategy is “look bomb.” Girl, with hoop earrings bigger than your fist you are already well on your way.

Hoop earrings are Taylor's thing.

Vanessa, 29, Special Education Teacher
Looks like she’s been on the show before. Kinda mom-ish. Canadian. Wants to be an onion because they are a staple item and found year round. V practical. She is fixated on guys having a GREAT SMILE which is kind of a weird thing to have as a deal breaker. She's afraid of hurting people’s feelings, how Canadian of her. What I like about Vanessa is that she appears to have normal sized arms. Emily likes that she probably could use some dry shampoo every now and then.

SIDE NOTE: Isn't there a Canadian version of the Bachelor/Bachelorette? Why are there so many Canadians on the 'Murican version? They're far too nice to compete against our crazies.

STAY ON YO SIDE, you polite jerks.

Whitney, 25, Pilates Instructor
Very sultry pose. Wants to be Gisele because Gisele is married to Tom Brady. Aim higher, Whitney. When asked how much she enjoys the theatre, she answered, "I like going to movies but I also watch them at home on Netflix." That question just went RIGHT over her head. Obviously if someone asks you about "the theatre" (pronounced theat-AH) they do not mean your local Malco that shows $5 movies on Tuesdays. My eyes cannot roll far back enough in my head.

^this kind of theatre.

And with that, my eyes return to their upright and locked position and we are done! So many bizarre women, so little wine time. 

Thanks to Emily and Katharine for being enablers for me tonight, it was a lovely evening. Come back soon.

Reminder: You have until the end of 2016 to register your pool for this season! Check the Registration tab for more information and let a commissioner know if you have any questions. So jazzed to kick off the season soon! Until next time.

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth

League Commissioner

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JoJo's Season Finale: This Blog Is Now On Brazilian Time

Hello from the other side of the equator! Your trusty commissioners have not been so trusty this week and for that we apologize. In case you're completely out of the loop, Julie and I are in Rio de Janeiro working for Team USA during the Olympics. We arrived on Saturday and have been busy Brazilian bees ever since.

Here's what's happening in our neck of the woods.

Botafogo vs Palmeiras futebol game

View of Ipanema Beach from USA House

View of Copacabana beach from the roof of NBC Studios

Christ the Redeemer statue + reassuring parents of our safety

Background extras on The Today Show, i.e. making Natalie and Hoda look good.

Olympic rings on Copacabana beach.

We just watched the episode and to be honest we were pretty underwhelmed.

JoJo's mom appears to have had some restorative plastic surgery during the off season. Her face seems more agile this time around.

Jordan screwed up. JoJo whined about it incessantly and made herself very unlikeable, in my opinion. Not because of the whole thing with Jordan asking her dad permission to marry her, but just the way she approached the entire ensuing argument. She straight up was not listening to a single word Jordan was saying to her and she was acting like such a brat. Jordan has decent reasoning for doing what he did but she's so paranoid that she can't even hear it when he's saying it right to her face! Ugh it made me want to turn the episode off and go back to the beach.

Robby does well with the parents but it's obvious the show is setting him up for a hard fall.

Robby takes a hard fall. He handles it well and doesn't even shed a damn tear.

Jordan wins, shocking no one. To quote himself, he "gets on a knee," as if he's in a sports huddle thing for one of his former professional teams.

That's it! JoJo and her predictable choices led us to the most anticlimactic season finale in Bachelor History. And with that, we've got another great season of The Bachelorette and Roses to Riches on the books. Points are up, so Pool Captains should check those out and distribute prizes accordingly. Please don't hesitate to reach out with any questions! Julie and I are both available via regular cell phone communication so we can help if you need us.

Sorry again for the extreme delay. We love (and roses) you to pieces but we've got things to do down here.

Go Team USA!

Tchao,

Elizabeth and Julie
Co-Commissioners

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JoJo's Season: Men Tell All

ABC is really giving us (and our livers) a run for our money this season, gang. Another week with doubled up episodes. Luckily, we've got Conor McCarthy here -- a man to tell all about the Men Tell All. This will be our third and final guest post for the season because Julie and I are taking the finale recap for ourselves, thank you. Before you continue, you might want to load up dictionary.com in a separate browser tab. And have your scrolling fingers ready (there are actual term paper footnotes!). Conor is v eloquent and I'm not ashamed to admit I'm not smart enough to keep up. However, all .gifs are RtR's own, so please don't oust us yet.

Hello! My name is Conor and I am excited to be here. I’m given to understand that mine will be the first cis male (brush up on your pronouns, son), straight voice to grace these eminent pages since Rob R’s trailblazing appearance last season. Rob is a good writer and a super funny dude. And really, everyone whose name appears on a byline here is both dexterous and droll with the words—I am sensible of following in illustrious footsteps. I shall endeavor not to disgrace myself.  

We’ll be talking today about the Men Tell All episode, the usually uninspiring intermezzo before next week’s finale that you put up with mostly because you are kind of addicted to this show. I thought, in fairness, that this one was pretty punchy. 

The episode opens with the sound of shouted production noises, a hype-man firing up the studio audience, and other fourth-wall-breaking things. A daring move by ABC, all of this formal innovation. Just real Brechtian stuff. 

We cut to the studio grounds as a mysterious Cadillac approaches. Who could it be? It’s Chad! He emerges from the car. He is still doing that whistling thing, like he’s a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad on his way to kill Beatrix Kiddo. He has his own trailer because he does not play nice with others.

Someone thinks he's hot shit.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison vaults to the stage to tell us that tonight will be “full of surprises and a whole lot more,” the second half of which is perplexingly vague, similar to appending BEYOND to a store that sells home supplies. Before we can proceed, however, we’re treated to a sneak peek of Bachelor in Paradise, a show that I have never watched, but which appears to be a real moiling cauldron of emotions, potent sexual energy, and the fervent desire to remain on television. 

Highlights from the BiP sneak include:

• Evan in bed with a real live woman (!).
• Lace and Vinny crying.
• Chad doing the following Chad things: saying “I brought so much protein;” manhandling a woman in a hot tub in a manner that is genuinely uncomfortable; appearing to criminally assault Evan; and telling Chris Harrison “you went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on.” I have to admit, this last one jives exactly with my image of what CH’s life is like on the daily. Pretty funny. 
• Canadian Daniel with the Vegas twins. Both Daniel’s disposition and his nationality make him seem like an adolescent, so it’s good to see him living out the dream of teenage boys everywhere.
• Mom Amanda with some guy named Nick whose relationship with the franchise predates my own.
• Ditto Caila and someone named Jared. Want to take this opportunity to remind everyone of Caila’s dad’s orange-pants game, a gift for which we must never cease to be thankful. 
• Wells (rejoice, America) and some girl I did not recognize; Wells with some witty banter about the conception of babies at BiP (not a nurturing environment in which to start life’s amazing journey. Drink.)

Looking more forward to BiP than this finale.

The sneak peek ends with the promise of multiple proposals (nifty!) and the threat that some participants’ hearts will be forever crushed, which seems bleak but also pretty par for the course. Out of the peek we learn that much of the BiP cast is in the building. Jubilee is there! Juliet Litman will be so happy. Chris Harrison chats with them for a hot second and then it’s time to bring out the men who will tell all.  

Every guy who made it past episode three is here, plus James S (SO stoked to be there), Christian (why?), Brandon (good at gazing vacantly, may not be aware of his present location, definitely burns one down regularly), Jonathan (kilts), and Ali (more on him in a minute). Nice guy James Taylor and alleged next Bachelor Luke get huge applause. Alex receives hardly any because he is the worst. Chris tells the guys that Chad is here, and Wells instructs the audience not to applaud, establishing himself as the show’s Greek Chorus, a role at which he excels.

The audience keeps applauding, though.

We’re treated to a recap of the guys’ experience on the show, which is gratuitous but helps fill two hours. Coming out of it there’s a little bit of agro between Derek and Alex, but we all know this is just to get everyone’s juices flowing before Chad arrives. Saint Nick seems like he had three too many cocktails in the green room. Wells declares himself the Switzerland of the group, and offers some perspective on the military background that has shaped Alex’s aggressive behavior. Wells also uses the phrase “vanquished a Neanderthal,” so we've got that going for us. 

Chad is now going to be the subject for the duration of the show’s first hour. Evan starts us off strong by saying that "Chad is real like Donald Trump is real," depriving bloggers (and guest bloggers) everywhere of the opportunity to make comparisons and jokes they were sure THEY ALONE had thought of. Some resolve to make them anyway. 

Evan is like a lamer-looking David Tennant

Ali demonstrates the ability (rare enough, in this crowd) to hold more than one idea in his head at the same time. He suggests that while Chad’s behavior was fully unacceptable, the mob mentality of the other men was ultimately what led to the escalation of the situation. That’s true. A note here on my main man Ali: he was reasonable -- nay, wise -- all night and had a good sense of humor about everything. And from his season intro package, we know that he 1) reads books, 2) caresses the keys, 3) breaks the point (points the break?) and shreds the gnar, and 4) is in general doin’ his own damn thing with remarkable good cheer. Point is, he really should have stuck around longer. Would much rather have gotten to know him instead of, say, human badger and humdrum poet James F. You were gone from us too soon, Ali.

Wells says he doesn’t want to talk about Chad (sorry dude) and calls him Voldemort, reminding us all that Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them comes out this fall. The Comic Con trailer was v dope; excited for more thestrals, acromantula, and nifflers (we all ride for nifflers) in my life. 

Oliver Wood for Bachelor. #WoodForWood

Out of the break, security follows the stage directions they’ve been handed and inform Chris Harrison that cometh the hour, cometh the Chad. Apprehension reigns, and our only silver lining is that at least there was a tray of meats in his trailer, thank god. On his way to the stage he calls Alex a little manlet, which is an objectively funny word. Chad has a cordial enough exchange with CH, despite the fact that we’ve already seen that they have an altercation in Paradise.  

(Quick sidebar: the episode’s commitment to the obvious lie that Paradise has not already filmed—despite the many commercials and teasers with footage from the upcoming season—was extremely confunding. Made me feel like McLaggan at a Quidditch tryout.)

Chris asks Chad what went wrong. This is an unfair question because to answer it Chad would have to spend many hours speaking with a licensed therapist or the solitary confinement guard. The first flashpoint of the night occurs when Grant calls Chad out over something to do with his (Grant’s) ex. Chad calls Grant Daryl, which one suspects is probably somehow racist. Harrison is all, “back up, boys, nobody knows whatchall talkin' about,” and it emerges that Chad has been “hanging out” with the former baes of both Grant and Robby. He accuses G and R of having left these women to become contestants, and declares that he subsequently sought them out to prove that The Bachelorette harboured at least one good soul. Huh. How these women will feel about having multiple relationships dragged into the public arena, or about Chad demonstrating his probity to both of them simultaneously, remains unclear. 

^^Chad while the other contestants are speaking^^

At this point Saint Nick has had enough. He removes his jacket and challenges Chad to throw hands. A less than original move by now, but okay. Mostly, I feel like he missed a huge opportunity here. If he knew, if he even suspected, that he might offer to get physical, how is he NOT going to bust that Santa suit back out? I would watch drunk Santa Claus try to get belligerent with a fool for HOURS! 

Meanwhile, Daniel has jumped up to ask the big questions. He wonders why Americans always resort to violence, and encourages us all to be more Canadian. He has momentarily forgotten about hockey. This is less funny than it is poignant when you consider that we all have to move to Canada if a certain mephitic slime creature/vanity monster/Chad-of-politics is elected this fall. Everybody vote, plzthanx.  

The Chad circus continues. Chris asks the questions you would expect about Chad and Alex’s negative codependence, and about his alarming threat to hunt JoRo down. Derek’s pocket square is discussed. None of it is interesting until the subject swings round to the Great Evan/Chad Sex Comedy Skirmish of 2016. Chris has the video cued up, and when you take it down to slow-mo (technology!) it really does look like Evan kind of pushed him. The audience certainly thinks so. But they’re not having Chad’s “I almost fell really hard” justification for ripping Evan’s v-neck. That’s still roidy. There are no winners here. No update on whether Chad replaced the shirt yet either.

Evan’s version of the Chad throw down

The Chad portion of the night winds down. We’re grateful because he’s exhausting and terrible. Spokesman Wells admits that the group “Piggy’d” Chad (shoutout to your sixth grade summer reading list), but maintains that it was justified because Chad was an a-hole. Which, fine. Chad says something about pickles and apples, because every episode this season is contractually mandated to incorporate a folksy aphorism. Chris Harrison asks Chad about his mom but we’re not going to talk about that because it was an inappropriate question.

It’s time for Luke. Chris is feeling sassy and tells the audience to hush up because Luke isn’t really all that handsome up close. I don’t believe him and neither do you. We get a recap of Luke’s show experience that ends with his still-flabbergasting ouster after clearly winning hometowns. Members of the audience are crying. Undetermined whether it's from the tragedy of his dismissal or because they see in his sculpted perfection the hand of God at work. 

Luke crushes this interview. Hits it right out the park. He’s willing to accept and experience his pain if it means that JoJo is happy, which is how he knows he loves her. Great line. He tactically deploys a “learned to love again.” Somehow, ABC does not immediately shoehorn “The First Cut Is The Deepest” into the background. An egregious miss that likely cost some junior producer his career. Chris establishes that Luke is still single (wild approval from the audience), asks him where he goes from here, asks him whether he’s ready to love again. He is. I believe they call that foreshadowing in the biz. Luke next Bachelor confirmed. 

Now it’s Chase’s turn. The audience has JUST watched the Hindeberg that was his fantasy suite experience, so he gets lots of awwws. Interestingly, while his recap does give us another chance to raise our glasses from the living room to clink his airport shuttle rage-beer, it does not include his gatecrashing apology at the Rose Ceremony. I thought that was ultimately his strongest moment of the whole season. Classy, stand-up move. 

His interview is less than thrilling, because Chase is less than thrilling. Seems like a nice enough guy, but kind of a post-turtle far as the show goes (this is a real phrase, not a Chad phrase).[1] He too feels like JoJo taught him how to feel things and express himself. But he’s still confused about the fantasy-suite situation; Chris feels that Chase needs some closure on this one, and that’s JoJo’s cue. 

Chase is definitely the least pumped person in the room to see JoJo, who gets an otherwise rapturous reception. He looks, in fact, increasingly PISSED during her chitchat with Chris. Meanwhile, Luke is being all attractive and pensive for the people in the audience who just want to look at him. 

JoJo starts talking about Ben, a thing she does with such frequency that you feel she has been either paid or instructed to do so. Chase keeps looking pissed, and now James Taylor is looking salty too. We learn that JoJo had (allegedly) NEVER broken up with someone before the show. Going on The Bachelorette to learn how to do it seems like an overcorrection, but what do I know?

Chris brings the subject round to Luke. JoJo can't explain why she dropped him, because she knows she shouldn't have dropped him. Luke’s response to her nonresponse is very noble, and JoJo’s face takes on a look of blank regret. Whoever she picks next week is second-best to Luke, and she and he and America all know it. 

Then Chris tosses it to Chase, who wants a grumble-hug from her. She admits that her timing was frankly terrible and she feels guilty about it. Chase brings out the chivalrous charm again. At some point in all of this the camera cuts to Chad, who is once again eating meat out of his pocket like an effing lunatic. His suits have got to be lined with the same stuff Dexter uses in his murder-basement, right?  

So now Chase has closure and we can kick it to James, who is super kind and complimentary per usj. What a guy. He gets a crushing, friendzone-y response from JoJo, because life isn’t fair. Chad wants to say something. JoJo has been practicing her eye-roll for WEEKS in preparation for this moment. Chad insults both Robby and JoRo (something we can all sort of agree on), but gets jeers from the audience because he’s snide about it. A genius in the crowd yells “shame!” like he’s Septa Unella. Give that guy a medal. 

The floor’s now open to the rest of the boys. Drunk Nick says a meaningless drunk thing. Alex becomes the third man of the night to thank JoJo for teaching him how to open up with his feelings, which has become such a trope tonight that I start to wonder about it. Aristotle Papanikolaou (great name) thinks it probably has something to do with the emancipatory power of confession, which affects the landscape of the speaker’s desires and is determined in part by the identity of the listener or indeed their absence, but this is probably not the forum for that kind of thing. [2]

How the commissioners feel right now.

Anyways. We’re almost done. Vinny’s mom tosses her hat in the ring for the Moms of the Bachelor show you just know has been mooted in a studio office somewhere. As long as JoJo’s Veuve Clicquot-mainlining mater comes along for the ride, I’m down. Pretty amped for her to get involved next week. Vinny looks less than amped about having his mom there as an apparent chaperone, but at least his new lettuce is looking fresh. We learn that he was JoJo’s best friend in the house. Another blow for misbegotten James. 

Chris tosses it to the bloopers. Nothing remarkable there except that there appear to have been a lot of flying insects this season. With the exception of honey and bumblebees, flying insects can f right off. 

And then it's time for our last sneak peek of the night, this one for next week’s (THREE HOUR) finale. The whole family JoJo is along for the ride, so we’ll get some more of her aggressive brothers—they’d get along with Chad like a house aflame. There will be doubts about the readiness of both remaining men for marriage. There will be multiple make-outs on boats of differing descriptions.  There will be framed shots of anxious, silhouetted pacing. Jordan will probably win. A nation will turn their lonely eyes to Luke. And, somewhere near Katy, Texas, a gentle man will be strumming a mournful tune. So it goes. 

This has been fun. Before I pack up, I want to give another plug to “40s + Shorties,” the best little Bachelor(ette) podcast around. But to the hosts, if you’re reading, forget the Swedish Fish—your crunchy snack alternative is clearly vodka gummi bears, which are DELICIOUS and also get you DRUNK. How have you not thought of this??

Sincere thanks to the commissioners for allowing me to do this, and to you for reading. Pax.  

Hay's In The Barn,

Conor McCarthy
Guest Blogger

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[1] A post-turtle is a folksy expression that designates someone who has ended up in a position in which they did not expect to find themselves, without having too much of an idea of how they got there.  Like a turtle on a roadside post. 

[2] You can find out more about it in “Liberating Eros: Confession and Desire,” Journal of the Society of Christian Ethics, 26.1, 2006, if you’re interested.  That’s an actual article I actually read in preparation for this blog. 

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