Week Eight (Part One) Recap: Give Me Back My Hometown

Well, we made it to hometowns. And what a journey it was. Let's not waste any time here.

Nikki
Nikki hails from Kansas City and told us she wants to see how much of a cowboy Juan Pablo really is. First of all, are there really cowboys in Kansas City? No, really. I'm curious. That's one of the last places I'd look for a cowboy. Second of all, didn't Nikki watch JP on Desiree's season? He obviously is a cowboy because he dressed up like one when they snuck off from the group date to watch that crappy Disney movie together. But I digress.

Nikki took Juan Pablo to eat barbecue and then to ride a mechanical bull. Thinking about it now, she probably should have done those things the other way around. Being jerked around by a machine is probably the last thing JP wanted to do after gorging on subpar BBQ (sorry, I'm from Memphis...had to). But he seemed to enjoy himself while he was eating. Way to go, Nikki, playing the age-old move of winning a man over with food. 

The pair then headed to Nikki's family's house, and Nikki confessed to the camera, her mother, and America that she's madly in love with Juan Pablo and really believes in this process. Those words have pretty much solidified her as the next Bachelorette if she loses. She chickened out didn't say the magic words to JP, but her parents overwhelmingly approved of Juan Pablo and Nikki's dad gave him the marriage blessing. Bless his heart. 

Andi
The federal prosecutor brought Juan Pablo down south to Atlanta and took him immediately to the gun range. Classic. Props to Andi for actually being a decent shot and handling a massive firearm with ease while sporting an arm full of bangles and a giant watch. Girl's got skills. She further cemented her superiority by yelling "MISS!!!" after JP air balled his first shot. 

At dinner, Andi's family expressed mild concern about the fact that Juan Pablo was dating multiple women, as if this was some sort of shock to them. Juan Pablo asked for approval and Andi's dad gave the most reasonable answer we've ever heard on the show (i.e. what I would expect from any normal father). JP can be welcomed into the family if and only if Andi is the ONLY woman for him. I mean...duh. Why haven't any of the other fathers said that before? Dads of future Bach-ies, take note. 

Andi said she is close to starting to fall in love with Juan Pablo. Meaning she's miles behind Nikki. Pick up the pace, girl.

Renee
Sweet, sweet Renee. She's too good for this show. I forgot where she's from (Florida, maybe?) but she and Juan Pablo just hung out and watched her adorable son's baseball game/highlight reel. Seriously, the kid is a baller. She's wearing basically no makeup and she's totally the coolest mom ever. Juan Pablo is an idiot. Then he spends time with her parents while she puts her son to bed and they are basically the most precious family together already. 

Renee tells her mom that she is in love with Juan Pablo. :( She chickens out when she has the chance to tell him. Overall, Renee is he best one, clearly. We also saw later that a bird dropped a whole sandwich on her head and she just laughed about it. SOMEONE JUST MARRY RENEE, DAMNIT. SHE DESERVES IT.

Clare
Last, and certainly least, Juan Pablo headed out to Sacramento to hang out with Clare and see where all her crazy came from (she didn't get there on her own...right, Nikki?). First they went to a pond where Clare showed some legitimate emotion, making all of us want to call our dads right away. Then they switched gears and C tossed Juan Pablo into a pond of estrogen at her house, introducing him to her mother and FIVE sisters. Good God.

Clare's sister Laura got oddly territorial over their mom, not allowing her to speak at all and then pouting just outside the camera view. Julie kindly pointed out that "that's what happens when you're the fat sister." We also learned that Clare's parents got engaged after three weeks of knowing each other, meaning Clare has been destined for this show since before she was even a tiny thought in her parents' minds. She told us that she would accept a proposal from JP in a heartbeat, but she did not specifically say that she was in love. We shall see.

When they were all gathered back in Miami, we collectively wondered whether any of the girls would throw out a Hail Mary "I Love You" in a last-ditch effort to get a rose and stick around. We were disappointed. Juan Pablo made the biggest mistake of his life and sent Renee home, keeping Andi, Clare and Nikki for fantasy suite dates. We've seen disastrous previews for these encounters so we expect nothing short of greatness. Luckily we only have to wait a few more hours before we get another dose of drama. FANTASY SUITES TONIGHT!


J-Money's Dime$ are now worth zero. Justice was holding on with just Renee but now she's down for the count. Though no one will be able to catch up with MC's McSluts, the gap is closing for second and third places. It'll be a tight finish.

Week eight standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here.

182 points - MC's McSluts

130 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

 108 points - Cooney's Cunts

106 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches
103 points - Julie's Jezebels
99 points - J$'s Dime$

81 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

80 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 
69 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

25 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

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Week Seven Recap: In Miami, Betch

This week Team JP headed back to the good ole US of A to spend some quality time in Miami. One group date and two Juan-on-Juan dates. (WHY HAVEN'T WE BEEN SAYING THIS THE WHOLE TIME? So many Juan puns, damnit.)

Sharleen was clearly shocked to get another Juan-on-Juan date, and wasn't exactly thrilled about it. She and Juan Pablo spent the day on a yacht, making out and not really talking about anything because Juan Pablo doesn't understand anything she says anyway. He masks this by saying he loves her beautiful words. We know this is code for, "ummm...QUE?" After her date, Sharleen joined the Cry On Renee's Shoulder Club where she confessed (again) that she doesn't really Juant to be here anymore. 

Here's how this works: if you aren't effusive enough about Juan Pablo/getting a date, you're ungrateful and don't deserve it. WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE, BITCH?? If you're too eager, you're desperate and immature. Clearly not ready to settle down and have a family. You really can't win here. Apart from the fact that I a) hate everyone and b) get sunburned way too easily, I'd probably suck at being on this show.

Nikki got the second Juan-on-Juan date and got to meet Camila and the baby mama. She's a great pick for this date because her entire career is based on interacting with children. Sharleen likely would've had a panic attack if she had been there. Nikki was cute and charming but pretty unremarkable, save for the fact that she was wearing cutoff jorts to meet her boyfriend's family. If I were in that situation I would have been so peeved at Juan Pablo. Like please give me some advance notice so that I wear actual items of clothing when I meet your family. She obviously didn't tell the other girls about meeting Camila, though, because they only hate her a little bit. If they knew, they would have hated her one million times much more.

The group date was boring, they just went to the beach and sat around and talked. Where are the helicopters, ABC?! But Andi cried so she got the rose. Clare was pissed. Juan Pablo and Andi spent the rest of the evening together while the other girls took the plane back to the hotel to hang out with Nikki. 

Clare tried to pick a fight with Nikki, earning them each five verbal confrontation points! Nikki wasn't really into it, and called Clare "f*cking crazy." I mean, she's just saying what everyone else is thinking. I applaud that.

Really holding out for some major drama next week, when we'll have 2 episodes jam packed with adventure. Hometowns and fantasy suites in the same week! So many betch tears! 

Unfortunately Team Emily did not live up to its name. Emily's last bitch, Chelsie, did not get a rose and was sent packing. Week six standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here.

164 points - MC's McSluts

121 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

 92 points - Cooney's Cunts

91 points - J$'s Dime$

89 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches
85 points - Julie's Jezebels

72 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

70 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 
69 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

25 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

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Week Six: The Squeeze

First of all, our sincerest apologies for the lack of Bach-tastic blogging last week. Contrary to popular belief, we do have lives outside of the Bachelor (jk, we were lazy)

On to the good stuff:
This week the ladies trotted down to New Zealand, the land of hobbits, volcanoes, and bratty tourists.  The festivities start with Andi's first one-on-one date featuring a speed boats and waterfalls. Props to Andi for being the one chick gutsy enough to wear a one piece bathing suit. Here at the Bachelor fantasy league, we applaud your fashion sense (this actually isn't sarcasm...I thought it was really cute).  After frolicking in the forest with whatever kind of horrid creatures were in that water, the pair enjoyed 10 seconds of dinner, followed by 10 minutes of complaining about the geyser they were sitting next to.  How romantic.

Next, on the group date, the gang spent quality time getting to know each other...while rolling down a hill in some kind of inflatable ball contraption. After the spin cycle was done, we cut to a cocktail party in a hobbit home on the set of Lord of the Rings. Since most of these girls have never read a book, the novelty of the location was lost on everyone except Sharleen. Naturally, our resident opera singer and nerd was geekin' out. JP is still trying to figure out what a hobbit is.

This group date happens to be Cassandra's 22nd birthday (yea, that's right, she's younger than us), and boy, did she get a great gift. ABC executed some classic bait-and-switch moments this week, and this one left all of our jaws dropping: JP and Cassandra had this great talk, and she was starting to show glimpses of an actual personality, and then he gives the rose to Nikki and disposes of Cassandra like a used tissue. The poor girl thought she was going outside for some kind of birthday wish, when instead she just got a swift boot to the behind. Very smooth, Juan Pablo. 

The good news is that points were plentiful. Nikki gave us the first "I'm falling for you" and Cassy got some hefty unceremonious elimination points. Peppered in there were other catch-phrases like future family discussions and date/life analogies. Hooray!

The third and final date of the week was a one-on-one with Crazy Eyes Clare. They spent the morning whining about what did or did not happen in the ocean last week, and then hung out in sweatpants...much like my typical Friday night. JP is still all about Clare and thinks she "has sumting verrrry sexy about her," so we'll see where this goes.  

This week Juan Pablo eliminated Kat (the one girl he had not yet kissed), which leaves 6 remaining contestants for his heart. Previews for next week are looking pretty spectacular and we can't wait to see a verbal altercation go down.

I never thought I'd say this, but I kind of miss Dog Lover and her slut shaming.


Week six standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here.

128 points - MC's McSluts

100 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

 77 points - Cooney's Cunts

76 points - J$'s Dime$

70 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

 67 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

64 points - Julie's Jezebels

61 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

54 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 

25 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

Will you assept dis rose?

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Organizers

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Week Four Recap: Seoulmates in Seoul

Because the lack of booze was making things a little too normal i.e. boring, ABC took the show overseas in record time after just three weeks. Juan Pablo and the girls leave the comforts of SoCal and jet off to Seoul, South Korea. There's a good possibility very few of the Bach-ies don't actually understand that there are both North Korea and South Korea because they keep just saying OMG KOREA! Clare is really worried because she doesn't even have a kimono.

The first group date of the week involves K-Pop. The "POP" clue really threw the girls for a loop: Cassandra thought they might be eating popcorn so clearly Juan Pablo is attracted to her intelligence. Turns out they are performing with the girl group 2ne1 on a stage in the mall. They are all super excited to wear neon and dance with JP. If we can briefly recall, Nikki answered the bio question about favorite type of dancing with, "Is drunk dancing a type?" So, not sure why she didn't just pound a few shots and make her own party out of it. Kat is a major show off/possibly on drugs and legitimately expects to get the rose for having the physical skills required by the date activity. What is this, amateur hour? Everyone knows the girl with emotional struggles and/or no skills whatsoever is the one who gets the rose. Nikki wins the rose and now everyone hates her but she was just being herself.

Sharleen's one-on-one date is all kinds of awkward. The two Seoulmates explore the city, which means they have casual scheduled encounters with "local people." During the date Sharleen tries to flirt with Juan Pablo by telling him that he's not as bland as she originally thought. It's probably the most backhanded compliment ever, but Juan Pablo doesn't mind because Juan Pablo doesn't understand the word bland. At dinner she sings opera and Juan Pablo calls her "bella" which she doesn't understand. ALL THE LANGUAGE BARRIERS. They bond over having lived in another country and she halfway admits that she doesn't want children. She dances around those actual words and hopes it gets lost in translation so she and Juan Pablo can get back to assaulting each other with their mouths. Here is Sharleen's Bachelor journey, in photos:

First night

Seoulmates?

On the second group date, Clare is a clingy 13-year-old who turns eating one bite of octopus into the biggest deal in the world. Dog Lover (STILL HERE, WHY?) sees this ordeal as the perfect opportunity for some slut-shaming. "I KNOW you've swallowed bigger things than that before." Zing! Also alludes to the fact that her forced bite of octopus is the most Clare has eaten in two weeks. So there's that. Props to Alli for bringing some Midwest realness to the situation by pointing out that you can literally order octopus in any Italian restaurant in the city of Chicago. The date takes a turn for the weird when Lauren S asks Juan Pablo for a beso and he refuses. Maybe she should have used a whole sentence instead of creepily whispering "a kiss?" at him while they danced to no music.

Renee is awesome, per usual. She won't win but I'm rooting for her anyway.

Dog Lover is the star of the cocktail party, deliberately stirring the house drama pot and looking at everyone with her one and a half eyes. It's pretty clear she's there purely for our viewer entertainment. We know this because Juan Pablo whisked her away for a chat but the producers cut every second of that footage from the episode. She'll be gone soon, mark my words.

We said sad goodbyes to Lauren S and Elise. No shockers there at all, but the fact that Dog Lover is STILL HERE shows that Juan Pablo still has some fat-trimming to do. Looking forward to next week's vacay, to the beautiful, exotic, tropical paradise......................'Nam. Classic bait and switch. This should be entertaining.

We have our first team elimination! Maggie's last two Maids of Mischief were sent packing this week. As a reward for her remarkably unremarkable team, Maggie will win a bottle of wine. Appropriate.

Week Four standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here. Next week, Bach-ies who are not eliminated will earn 2 points instead of 1. This point value will increase by one for each remaining episode.

82 points - MC's McSluts

67 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

51 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

46 points - J$'s Dime$

46 points - Cooney's Cunts

43 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

42 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

36 points - Julie's Jezebels

35 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 

25 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

Will you assept dis rose?

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie
League Organizers

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Week Three: The Snooze-Without-Booze Fest

Was it just me, or did this week's episode lack the typical Bachelor pizzazz? There were some dates, some snide remarks, and some tears, but overall not many points were awarded to the league. I blame Juan Pablo's sobriety for the lack of gasp-inducing moments.

The first date of the week went to Cassandra aka the last girl chosen for any team (except for Team Stuckey, holla! Side props to Eliz for this hilar and accurate prediction and to Emily for confirmation). She did her best to fool Juan Pablo into thinking she has a personality, but we saw right though that dead-eyes smile. Her "I haven't been on a first date since I was 18" line sure did the trick for Juan Pablo though, because Cassandra snagged herself a rose and will continue to bore us into the next episode.

Next up was this week's group date, which stunned the whole world by involving soccer.  Who would have expected Juan Pablo to take the girls to a soccer field? Oh, that's right...everyone.
Unfortunately, I don't have much to say about this date because I was too busy swooning over JP's body skills. All I remember is the satisfaction of seeing Sharleen hit in the face at least 3 times (#karma).

After the date activity, the group moved upstairs to the cocktail portion. Juan Pablo canoodled hardcore (meaning made out) with several of the girls, including Nikki, Andi, and Sharleen with the bruised face. When the rose moment came, all girls seemed shocked that JP had kissed multiple women (duh, he's dating 27 of you at once) and ultimately Nikki scored the group-date rose.

The third date of the week was a one-on-one with Chelsie. The pair ambled around Pasadena during the day, snacking on Venezuelan food, only to vomit (or want to vomit) it all back up bungee jumping off a bridge. Poor Chelsie was scared to death, but she cried her betch tears out and womaned-up to make the jump with Juan Pablo. Bonus Points: Chelsie compared the bungee jumping trip to their budding relationship, scoring her several points on the originality meter.

Instead of a cocktail party this week, Juan Pablo stole some plays from the Sean and Desiree playbooks by surprising the women early in the morning, and hosting a pool party instead of a cocktail party. A special nod goes to Renee for rocking the no-makeup, bed-head look, and a glare goes to Dog Lover for refusing to let America see her true demon self.

After a long day of sneaky make-outs, and glorious shirtless Juan Pablo shots, the night end with JP kicking out two women. Poor Hippie Lucy floated her way out the door (clothed, sadly) followed by Christy. At least Groupon can now regain it's Most Valuable Employee lol.

Somehow, by the grace of the ABC Producers, Dog Lover is STILL around. STILL. Don't worry though, JP fans, there are still plenty of roses and rejections to be handed out.

Week Three standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here.

64 points - MC's McSluts

62 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces
44 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

38 points - J$'s Dime$

34 points - Cooney's Cunts

32 points - Shannon's Slutty Senoritas

32 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

23 points - Julie's Jezebels

21 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches 

18 points - Maggie's Maids of Mischief

Love and Roses,

Julie and Elizabeth

League Organizers

Por favor will you assept dis rose?

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Week Two Recap: All Aboard the Crazy Train

I officially deem Week Two of Juan Pablo's reign on El Bachelor a success. So many twists and turns, and massive amounts of points awarded.

The first one-on-one dates were this week, and were perfectly cute and predictable. Fake snow, hot tub, private plane, neon costumes, the whole shebang. Props to Clare for snagging the first snog of the season. And clearly Kat was a good choice for the Electric Run, because we unanimously concluded that running a 5k on a first date would be an absolute nightmare.

I must admit I am a little surprised and disappointed that Lucy hasn't caused any drama yet. I mean yeah, she's naked all the time and doesn't wear makeup or shoes, but other than that she seems pretty chill and normal. I think we all had banked on Lunatic Lucy...bummer, dude.

Why is Dog Lover's dog still around? Better question, why is Dog Lover still around? How long is she going to keep this gimmick up? She seems cray cray.

Renee is a gem and anyone who says otherwise has no soul.

Dark horse/Former NBA Dancer/21-year-old Cassandra finally got some face time this week and is kind of a decent human being...who knew? She dropped the "I have a child" bomb on Juan Pablo, but he actually seemed kind of excited to learn about her toddler son. My theory is that her baby daddy is a former "co-worker," i.e. an NBA Player from the team she used to dance for. Just a guess.

Sadly, another crazy Amy bites the dust (note to self: never name your child Amy). This week Amy L destroyed her chances of winning JP's heart by conducting a cringe-worthy mock interview. To her credit, she was probably just defaulting to her comfort zone, but it was horribly awkward and def a deal breaker.

GOD BLESS VICTORIA, AMIRITE? This Brazilian beauty shocked us all with a complete and utter drunken meltdown. A beautiful combination of betch tears, visible drunkenness and unceremonious elimination earned her a whopping 12 points this episode. The only potential downfall of her complete lapse of composure is the likelihood that no one else will get drunk again this season. 

In another, slightly less exciting scene of emotional collapse, Andi had a minor freakout about appearing naked in front of millions of viewers on national television. Oh, and also in front of Juan Pablo. Considering she's one of the few Bach-ies with a legitimate career and a semblance of dignity, I'd say her hesitance was warranted. She handled it well though and she definitely should've gotten the rose over Dog Lover. Just because you wear a swim cap and get spray painted to look like a giraffe doesn't mean you'll do anything for love. She obviously did it for the dogs. (Side note: LOL @ Elise who just pawned off her own not-really-a-costume costume off to Lucy who lives for nudity anyway.)

Week Two standings, in descending order. Roster updates can be viewed here. 

48 points - MC's McSluts

47 points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

30 points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

30 points - J$'s Dime$

24 points - Shannon

23 points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

21 points - Cooney's Cunts

17 points - Julie's Jezebels

15 points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches

14 points - Maggie 

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Organizers

P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, I want to alert the league to the bonus points that almost happened regarding the Victoria incident. We had seen in multiple previews that one drunk girl would wish death upon Juan Pablo while crying on the floor in the bathroom. The viewing audience decided that points would be awarded to that girl once her identity was revealed. However, the death wishes did not air during the actual episode. After a consultation with Judge Bradley, it was decided that "Wishing Death Upon Juan Pablo" points were void because we only saw this happen during a preview/extra footage, which does not qualify. Going forward, we will determine these bonus categories on an as needed basis and use majority ruling/Judge Bradley to award points accordingly.

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Week One Recap: Draft Night

Last night was the premiere of Juan Pablo's glorious tenure on "El Bachelor," which also means Draft Night. And what an exciting draft it was! All the league participants were furiously jotting down notes during the introductions, pausing only to refill wine glasses or inhale more baked brie. It's a unanimous feeling that this season will certainly live up to its hype, with a colorful cast of characters (figuratively AND literally...way to go, ABC!) and a plethora of shower shots of el guapeton, Juan Pablo.

Some highlights from the night and a few brief profiles of our favorite Bachelorettes, based on our introduction note-taking.

Quite an array of professions this season, ranging from federal prosecutor, to first grade teacher, to free spirit, to dog lover. For the record, dog lover = unemployed and free spirit = trust fund baby.

Amy J wins the insane award. Crazy eyes. Crazy gimmick (was that massage considered sexual assault?). Saying "I'm coming for you, Juan Pablo" a little too often. It's a shame she was eliminated, the other girls would've called her crazy millions of times! So many points for that!

Lucy twirled a lot, wore flowers in her hair and left her shoes at home. She's the free spirit/trust fund baby if that wasn't clear. She can't be trusted but she'll be a gold mine of crazy points.

Valerie was the first girl to actually refer to her betch claws. She also is a pro at archery. She'll be getting some confrontation points for sure.

Sharleen was the only girl NOT fangirling and drooling over Juan Pablo, so of course she got the First Impression Rose. Because doesn't it always work that way? We all want the one person who couldn't give less of a bother. Oh, life.

Poor, poor Kylie. Eliminated in the most horrifying and embarrassing way possible. She was too drunk to listen properly for her own name and came forward for her rose when Juan Pablo called Kat. Awk city bitch, awk awk city bitch...

Cassandra said literally one word the entire night: her name. THAT INCLUDES HER INTRODUCTION TO JUAN PABLO. SHE JUST STOOD THERE LIKE A FREAKING MANNEQUIN. Last girl chosen for dodgeball and for any of our teams. "My only note next to her name was a sad face so I'll just take Amy L..." -Emily Wurz, during Round 8 of the draft.

Who am I missing? I drank a lot of wine. Write about your favorite Bach-ies in the comments.

Bach-ies...can that be a thing?

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Team selections and team names can be viewed in the previous post, and point categories are available in the post immediately prior. Team names will be updated but the information will not change and those posts will serve as a permanent point of reference throughout the season.

Point Standings from Week One in descending order:

17 Points - MC's McSluts

14 Points - J$'s Dime$

13 Points - Elizabeth's Slam Pieces

8 Points - Julie's Jezebels

8 Points - Cooney's Cunts

8 Points - Shannon
7 Points - Corinne's Circle of Bitches

7 Points - Maggie

7 Points - Audrey's Fetch Betches

6 Points - Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses

Love and Roses,

Elizabeth and Julie

League Organizers

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