YAHOO! We are back for another season of the Bachelor. It's our eighth here at RtR, if you can believe it. Like a forest creature preparing for winter, we've been quietly squirreling away our snark for the past few months, and we are ready to unleash it come January 2. Lucky for you, you get a sneak peek! Please note the PROPER spelling of sneak peek there, ugh people can be such eejits. It's time for the second seasonal edition of Hoes Before the Rose, where we drunkenly check out the contestants, make snap judgments based on their appearance and question-answering capability, and preemptively decide that Nick V is once again doomed to fail.
Tonight, I am joined by Nashville Conference Director Emily Wurz and long-time league participant Katharine F. We will review every participant and what follows will be a transcribed compilation (and serious sober editing) of our thoughts on the ladies. We are all going in blind here so there are no preconceptions, only gut reactions.
The tone has been set with The Nutcracker playing softly in the background. The wine has been poured.
 |
| It is time. |
God, Nick looks so tired. He has dead eyes. Look at that. He sort of looks sad in that picture. Well, this is his fourth time on the Bachelor. I'm sure he is exhausted. He is 36 after all. We can only hope that this means the girls are going to be older too. He needs someone who's at least 30. His half-plus-seven is 25, so I (Elizabeth) am disqualifying anyone younger than that just on principle.
Group photo: They’re all SO TINY AND OH MY GOD SOMEONE IS WEARING A SHARK SUIT. Just straight chillin' in the top row. She probably wanted to take it off so bad but was forced to keep it on.
Alexis, 23, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
Their clothes are always terrible but what’s worse are these grade school photo backdrops. #budgetcuts
Angela, 26, Model
Briana, 28, Surgical Unit Nurse
Too much space between her eyebrows. Oldest person yet. Wants to be dolphin so she canhave sex for pleasure do flips and breathe under water (newsflash: DOLPHINS ARE MAMMALS AND CAN'T BREATHE UNDER WATER OMG HOW ARE YOU A NURSE). Craziest thing she’s done is move. Again??
FOR THE RECORD: Emily would not be a dolphin. She would be Perdita (of the famous dog couple Pongo + Perdita from 101 Dalmatians). If they were any fruit/vegetable, Katharine would be a peach because they are "juicy and a little bit sexy," and Emily would be "a jalapeño. No, a pepperoncini, because I am down to party in a pizza box." <--direct quotes
Brittany, 26, Travel Nurse
Has a legit career that she enjoys. Great answers despite questionable prompts, such as "how much do you like camping?" ...What kind of question is that? She is tiny, so probably also spunky.
Christen, 25, Wedding Videographer
Her face is so small compared to her hair. Nick must love small brunettes. UGH. Haven’t seen a redhead yet. Christen really over-explained her love for grapefruit. She appears to be a conspiracy theorist. Wants to spend months inside a closet in the White House to observe the inner workings of government (that is a very long time to be in a closet,R. Kelly Christen). Wants to be the President for a day so she can know all the government secrets. Loves Scandal. NSA is definitely watching her now. She has small teeth.
FOR THE RECORD: If Emily were a fictional character, she would be Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies continues in the background.
Corinne, 24, Business Owner
A blonde! All of her answers are generic and totally pandering to Nick as the Bachelor. Fav city is Chicago, can run her online business from anywhere, wants to find her prince charming, has SOoOooO many embarrassing moments. The one hysterical outlier is that her favorite show is Frasier. Way to keep it real, Corinne.
Danielle L, 27, Small Business Owner
Gonna be giggly. Wants to be a fox because they are responsive. Responsive to what, exactly, is unclear. Admires Chrissy Tiegen. Most oUtRaGeOuS activity was not respecting a “locals only” sign on some vacation adventure. Favorite book is The 5 Love Languages. I read this book too but once was enough. I question her judgment.
Danielle M, 31, Neonatal Nurse
31! Neonatal nurse! 5'10"! The oldest and the tallest! Her fictional character is Hermione! She has a sob story but seems to have pulled herself up by her bootstraps! We like her!
Dominique, 25, Restaurant Server
Mentions Chipotle twice in her bio. A lot of these ladies want to be pineapples.
Elizabeth/Liz, 29, Doula
Don’t love her one-sleeve shirt, it's very 2007. “If I never had to KILL SOMEONE I would be very happy.” That's concerning, do you currently have to kill people on a regular basis? Golf angers her, I feel that. Doesn’t understand the difference between grapes aging and wine aging. "If I were a fruit I'd be a grape so I would get better with age." Honey, WINE gets better with age. Grapes wither into wrinkly old raisins. Something tells me that's not what you meant.
Elizabeth, 24, Marketing Manager
I was hoping she would be better looking/less boring. “My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate.” Does that mean that no one else would consider them achievements?
 |
| "Nick is back stronger than ever and eager to find true love." That’s not what this picture says. |
One of ELEVEN kids?! He comes from a nice big Catholic family, I feel so bad for them.
No one in Bachelor History has climbed the Bach mountain back up to being THE BACHELOR after sinking down to the low low level of Bachelor in Paradise. This is unheard of. Record breaking stuff.
No one in Bachelor History has climbed the Bach mountain back up to being THE BACHELOR after sinking down to the low low level of Bachelor in Paradise. This is unheard of. Record breaking stuff.
Group photo: They’re all SO TINY AND OH MY GOD SOMEONE IS WEARING A SHARK SUIT. Just straight chillin' in the top row. She probably wanted to take it off so bad but was forced to keep it on.
 |
| Let’s trot out the ladies...hate your hair, not likely. Yikes. Yikes yikes. And let me guess...you have a great personality. |
Looks like a poor man's Jade. Told ya they're gonna be young. Bear in mind, this girl is not an ACTUAL dolphin trainer, just an aspiring one. What does that mean? Is this a pipe dream? Is she taking actual career steps to be a dolphin trainer? What's she doing in the meantime? Need some elaboration here. She also wants to BE a dolphin so she can have sex for pleasure because she loves the ocean. Would probably make dolphin training easier. Alexis is afraid of ET, the fictional movie character. All other aliens/foreign matter are cool though.
Their clothes are always terrible but what’s worse are these grade school photo backdrops. #budgetcuts
Angela, 26, Model
Angela. ANGELA. We all said it twice. Whoa so much hair. Wonder how much of it is real? Also wants to be a dolphin because they have sex for pleasure because they are sociable and live in family groups. Craziest thing she's ever done is move to a new city. By her standards, most of us are off-the-charts bonkers!
FOR THE RECORD: Emily, Katharine and I all tried to come up with a better, more original list of five things to live without. Independently we all came up with everything on Angela’s list. Touché, ANGELA. She looks like Britt.
Astrid, 26, Plastic Surgery Office Manager
She looks familiar, like someone I went to college with maybe. Third dolphin wannabe, her reasoning issex for pleasure so she can rescue lost sailors and do fun tricks in the ocean. What exactly does she think dolphins do all day? “If I never had to work again I would be very happy.” Good thing you are on the Bachelor, Astrid. After you become semi-internet famous you can just 'gram the shit out of those hair vitamin gummies and live happily ever after.
PREDICTION: She’ll get 6 episodes in without saying a word.
Astrid, 26, Plastic Surgery Office Manager
She looks familiar, like someone I went to college with maybe. Third dolphin wannabe, her reasoning is
PREDICTION: She’ll get 6 episodes in without saying a word.
Briana, 28, Surgical Unit Nurse
Too much space between her eyebrows. Oldest person yet. Wants to be dolphin so she can
 |
| Preview of Alexis, Angela, Astrid and Briana meeting for the first time. |
Brittany, 26, Travel Nurse
Has a legit career that she enjoys. Great answers despite questionable prompts, such as "how much do you like camping?" ...What kind of question is that? She is tiny, so probably also spunky.
 |
| Do you like camping this much? |
 |
| Or this much? |
Christen, 25, Wedding Videographer
Her face is so small compared to her hair. Nick must love small brunettes. UGH. Haven’t seen a redhead yet. Christen really over-explained her love for grapefruit. She appears to be a conspiracy theorist. Wants to spend months inside a closet in the White House to observe the inner workings of government (that is a very long time to be in a closet,
FOR THE RECORD: If Emily were a fictional character, she would be Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies continues in the background.
Corinne, 24, Business Owner
A blonde! All of her answers are generic and totally pandering to Nick as the Bachelor. Fav city is Chicago, can run her online business from anywhere, wants to find her prince charming, has SOoOooO many embarrassing moments. The one hysterical outlier is that her favorite show is Frasier. Way to keep it real, Corinne.
PREDICTION: Real Life Corinne will draft Bach Corinne out of solidarity.
Danielle L, 27, Small Business Owner
Gonna be giggly. Wants to be a fox because they are responsive. Responsive to what, exactly, is unclear. Admires Chrissy Tiegen. Most oUtRaGeOuS activity was not respecting a “locals only” sign on some vacation adventure. Favorite book is The 5 Love Languages. I read this book too but once was enough. I question her judgment.
Danielle M, 31, Neonatal Nurse
31! Neonatal nurse! 5'10"! The oldest and the tallest! Her fictional character is Hermione! She has a sob story but seems to have pulled herself up by her bootstraps! We like her!
 |
| We have one keeper. |
Mentions Chipotle twice in her bio. A lot of these ladies want to be pineapples.
Elizabeth/Liz, 29, Doula
Don’t love her one-sleeve shirt, it's very 2007. “If I never had to KILL SOMEONE I would be very happy.” That's concerning, do you currently have to kill people on a regular basis? Golf angers her, I feel that. Doesn’t understand the difference between grapes aging and wine aging. "If I were a fruit I'd be a grape so I would get better with age." Honey, WINE gets better with age. Grapes wither into wrinkly old raisins. Something tells me that's not what you meant.
Elizabeth, 24, Marketing Manager
I was hoping she would be better looking/less boring. “My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate.” Does that mean that no one else would consider them achievements?
PREDICTION: Won't make it past night one.
Hailey, 23, Photographer
Canadian. Straight out of the 90s, she looks SO SAD. One of her tattoos is a bobby pin. Doesn’t like serenades or only children. Loves Sheryl Crow (called it) and Dr Seuss. This girl is so angsty.
Ida Marie, 23, Sales Manager
IIIIIIIda Marieeeee! Gonna say her name like that every time she's on. From Texas of course, as all Ida Maries are. Wants to be a giraffe. Fav snack is Cheetos and a pickle. Are you high, Ida Marie? Self proclaimed non-reader.
Jaimi, 28, Chef
Only 5'2", how does she reach the top shelf liquor!? Catered the Oscars, which is the most legit achievement in the bunch so far. Doesn’t eat red meat or pork but has a super annoying, chef-y way of saying it. One jacked up eyebrow. Gotta fill that in, girlfriend.
Jasmine B, 25, Flight Attendant
Flaws: too nice, cares too much. Steve Harvey is her favorite author, she definitely lives and dies by Think Like a Man.
Jasmine G, 29, Pro Basketball Dancer
Wants to be Guy Fieri for a day. Biggest fear is being stranded out in open water. Good thing she’s about to meet a lot of girls who want to be dolphins and can save her! She would use lottery money to buy socks because she can never find them. Emily: "What does that mean? Does she not know where to buy socks??"
Josephine, 24, Registered Nurse
Looks kinda scary but Katharine is into it. Black lace off the shoulder with a diamond choker. Her hair is very...done. In a surprising twist, Josephine would want to be Stephen Hawking for a day, she loves A Thousand Splendid Suns, and she used to do theatre. If she could be a veggie, she would be "something disgusting so no one eats me!" Just don't look at her picture and she seems very interesting and kind of cool.
Kristina, 24, Dental Hygienist
She's an orphan--watch out for potential abandonment issues that the producers will try to manipulate out of her. Loves Ninja Warrior and Fiona from Shrek. Doesn’t fear aging. Seems like a reasonable young woman and she looks perfectly fine too! Snaps for Kristina!
Accidentally closed the browser with eleven tabs remaining (one for each child in the Viall fam). My bad, you guys.
Aaaaand just spilled my water everywhere. Emily's cleaning it up now. Better water than wine, amiright? Nutcracker has started over. Dance of the Parents in the background.
Lacey, 25, Digital Marketing Manager
First, Emily needs "a titch more wine." <--direct quote
Lacey is tiny and she speaks Arabic. Worst date fear: “That he’s going on another date right after ours (that has happened before).” If we're going for parallelism here, mine would have to say: “That he’s married (that has happened before).”
Lauren, 30, Law School Graduate
30! Law school! 5'7"! Defying the odds so far. Wants to be a dolphin because theyhave sex for pleasure are cute and smart and get to live under the sea. Lauren gives 100% as a lovah, aka gives a lot of bjs. All these girls love Stepbrothers, such a guy's guy movie.
 |
| From one Elizabeth to another: DO BETTER. |
Canadian. Straight out of the 90s, she looks SO SAD. One of her tattoos is a bobby pin. Doesn’t like serenades or only children. Loves Sheryl Crow (called it) and Dr Seuss. This girl is so angsty.
Ida Marie, 23, Sales Manager
IIIIIIIda Marieeeee! Gonna say her name like that every time she's on. From Texas of course, as all Ida Maries are. Wants to be a giraffe. Fav snack is Cheetos and a pickle. Are you high, Ida Marie? Self proclaimed non-reader.
Jaimi, 28, Chef
Only 5'2", how does she reach the top shelf liquor!? Catered the Oscars, which is the most legit achievement in the bunch so far. Doesn’t eat red meat or pork but has a super annoying, chef-y way of saying it. One jacked up eyebrow. Gotta fill that in, girlfriend.
Jasmine B, 25, Flight Attendant
Flaws: too nice, cares too much. Steve Harvey is her favorite author, she definitely lives and dies by Think Like a Man.
Jasmine G, 29, Pro Basketball Dancer
Wants to be Guy Fieri for a day. Biggest fear is being stranded out in open water. Good thing she’s about to meet a lot of girls who want to be dolphins and can save her! She would use lottery money to buy socks because she can never find them. Emily: "What does that mean? Does she not know where to buy socks??"
 |
| She can borrow this cat's socks, if needed. |
Looks kinda scary but Katharine is into it. Black lace off the shoulder with a diamond choker. Her hair is very...done. In a surprising twist, Josephine would want to be Stephen Hawking for a day, she loves A Thousand Splendid Suns, and she used to do theatre. If she could be a veggie, she would be "something disgusting so no one eats me!" Just don't look at her picture and she seems very interesting and kind of cool.
Kristina, 24, Dental Hygienist
She's an orphan--watch out for potential abandonment issues that the producers will try to manipulate out of her. Loves Ninja Warrior and Fiona from Shrek. Doesn’t fear aging. Seems like a reasonable young woman and she looks perfectly fine too! Snaps for Kristina!
Accidentally closed the browser with eleven tabs remaining (one for each child in the Viall fam). My bad, you guys.
Aaaaand just spilled my water everywhere. Emily's cleaning it up now. Better water than wine, amiright? Nutcracker has started over. Dance of the Parents in the background.
 |
First, Emily needs "a titch more wine." <--direct quote
Lacey is tiny and she speaks Arabic. Worst date fear: “That he’s going on another date right after ours (that has happened before).” If we're going for parallelism here, mine would have to say: “That he’s married (that has happened before).”
Lauren, 30, Law School Graduate
30! Law school! 5'7"! Defying the odds so far. Wants to be a dolphin because they
FOR THE RECORD: Emily’s favorite movie: Can't decide between She’s the Man OR American Gangster. ("I love Amanda Bynes. Gouda?") Katharine: Best in Show. Eliz: I'll give you one guess.
Michelle, 24, Food Truck Owner
 |
| Ever notice the consistency in ENG gifs and quotes in posts by Elizabeth? |
Food truck owner! She would have lunch with Dumbledore (Sunday roast), Gwen Stefani (tacos), or Princess Di (fish 'n' chips). I love her for those oddly specific but awesome choices. I have a hunch she is Brazilian. Need to know what she serves from her food truck. She is only 5'1" so she can fit inside the truck very easily.
Olivia, 25, Apparel Sales Representative
From Alaska. Inuit? Is this the year we don’t have minority points? That would be a true win for humanity. Plus there are so many gray area girls this season. Olivia was the kicker for her high school football team! Hahahahah such a hilarious outlier on her list of otherwise very generic facts.
Rachel, 31, Attorney
Career focused, workaholic. Mentioned an obscure artist, probably too smart for this show.
Raven, 25, Fashion Boutique Owner
Very raven-esque. If she could be anyone she would be BLUE IVY. Favorite actress is Brittany Murphy, specifically when she was alive. Not a big fan of Brittany's post-mortem work. Already has big plans for (tasteful) plastic surgery. Most romantic gesture she's experienced was someone leaving a gift on her car that HAPPENED TO BE A DIAMOND NECKLACE. Eyeroll. I am going to say, “That’s SO Raven” any time she does literally anything on the show.
Sarah, 26, Newport Beach
She looks like a Sarah. And she looks EXACTLY like what a third grade teacher from Orange County would look like. She seems boring. We know this because she liked it when someone named a star after her. Such a gross, nothing gesture.
Susannah, 26, Account Manager
Her most embarrassing moment was a botched bend-and-snap in high school. Wants to be Ariel. Greatest achievement was flying to Europe on a whim. Not sure I would list that as an achievement. Cue lengthy discussion about achievements.
Olivia, 25, Apparel Sales Representative
From Alaska. Inuit? Is this the year we don’t have minority points? That would be a true win for humanity. Plus there are so many gray area girls this season. Olivia was the kicker for her high school football team! Hahahahah such a hilarious outlier on her list of otherwise very generic facts.
Rachel, 31, Attorney
Career focused, workaholic. Mentioned an obscure artist, probably too smart for this show.
Raven, 25, Fashion Boutique Owner
Very raven-esque. If she could be anyone she would be BLUE IVY. Favorite actress is Brittany Murphy, specifically when she was alive. Not a big fan of Brittany's post-mortem work. Already has big plans for (tasteful) plastic surgery. Most romantic gesture she's experienced was someone leaving a gift on her car that HAPPENED TO BE A DIAMOND NECKLACE. Eyeroll. I am going to say, “That’s SO Raven” any time she does literally anything on the show.
 |
| Expect a lot of these .gifs if she makes it past night one. |
She looks like a Sarah. And she looks EXACTLY like what a third grade teacher from Orange County would look like. She seems boring. We know this because she liked it when someone named a star after her. Such a gross, nothing gesture.
Susannah, 26, Account Manager
Her most embarrassing moment was a botched bend-and-snap in high school. Wants to be Ariel. Greatest achievement was flying to Europe on a whim. Not sure I would list that as an achievement. Cue lengthy discussion about achievements.
FOR THE RECORD: Emily's greatest achievement is surviving, i.e. being a functional adult (paying bills on time, knowing how to schedule a doctor's appointment, flossing, not needing to attend THIS SEMINAR).
Taylor, 23, Mental Health Counselor
Taylor's favorite clothing designer is Forever21. Forever21's PR team is high-fiving itself now, while actual designers the world over are...probably doing the same thing. Dodged a bullet there. Taylor is a big fan of a motivational speaker named Brenee Brown who is probably her aunt. Best date strategy is “look bomb.” Girl, with hoop earrings bigger than your fist you are already well on your way.
Vanessa, 29, Special Education Teacher
Looks like she’s been on the show before. Kinda mom-ish. Canadian. Wants to be an onion because they are a staple item and found year round. V practical. She is fixated on guys having a GREAT SMILE which is kind of a weird thing to have as a deal breaker. She's afraid of hurting people’s feelings, how Canadian of her. What I like about Vanessa is that she appears to have normal sized arms. Emily likes that she probably could use some dry shampoo every now and then.
SIDE NOTE: Isn't there a Canadian version of the Bachelor/Bachelorette? Why are there so many Canadians on the 'Murican version? They're far too nice to compete against our crazies.
Whitney, 25, Pilates Instructor
Very sultry pose. Wants to be Gisele because Gisele is married to Tom Brady. Aim higher, Whitney. When asked how much she enjoys the theatre, she answered, "I like going to movies but I also watch them at home on Netflix." That question just went RIGHT over her head. Obviously if someone asks you about "the theatre" (pronounced theat-AH) they do not mean your local Malco that shows $5 movies on Tuesdays. My eyes cannot roll far back enough in my head.
Taylor, 23, Mental Health Counselor
Taylor's favorite clothing designer is Forever21. Forever21's PR team is high-fiving itself now, while actual designers the world over are...probably doing the same thing. Dodged a bullet there. Taylor is a big fan of a motivational speaker named Brenee Brown who is probably her aunt. Best date strategy is “look bomb.” Girl, with hoop earrings bigger than your fist you are already well on your way.
 |
| Hoop earrings are Taylor's thing. |
Looks like she’s been on the show before. Kinda mom-ish. Canadian. Wants to be an onion because they are a staple item and found year round. V practical. She is fixated on guys having a GREAT SMILE which is kind of a weird thing to have as a deal breaker. She's afraid of hurting people’s feelings, how Canadian of her. What I like about Vanessa is that she appears to have normal sized arms. Emily likes that she probably could use some dry shampoo every now and then.
SIDE NOTE: Isn't there a Canadian version of the Bachelor/Bachelorette? Why are there so many Canadians on the 'Murican version? They're far too nice to compete against our crazies.
 |
| STAY ON YO SIDE, you polite jerks. |
Very sultry pose. Wants to be Gisele because Gisele is married to Tom Brady. Aim higher, Whitney. When asked how much she enjoys the theatre, she answered, "I like going to movies but I also watch them at home on Netflix." That question just went RIGHT over her head. Obviously if someone asks you about "the theatre" (pronounced theat-AH) they do not mean your local Malco that shows $5 movies on Tuesdays. My eyes cannot roll far back enough in my head.
 |
| ^this kind of theatre. |
And with that, my eyes return to their upright and locked position and we are done! So many bizarre women, so little wine time.
Thanks to Emily and Katharine for being enablers for me tonight, it was a lovely evening. Come back soon.
Reminder: You have until the end of 2016 to register your pool for this season! Check the Registration tab for more information and let a commissioner know if you have any questions. So jazzed to kick off the season soon! Until next time.
Love and Roses,
Elizabeth
League Commissioner