Well, ladies, this season of Bachelor Fantasy League is over. We've laughed, they've cried, and we've all come to the conclusion that JP is not the man we wanted him to be.
For starters, Chris Harrison was back in full form last night. He was in his element with a full studio audience of judgement WASPs and their poor, whipped husbands. Each commercial break brought us back to smug Chris interviewing people about how awful Juan Pablo is.
The first date of the day went to Crazy Clare. After meeting his parents she scored the first helicopter ride of the season (5pts) which ended with quite the rough landing. Apparently, just after the camera guy had hopped out, and right before they stuck microphones on the couple, JP whispered some broken English that would make your mother blush. Clare did not take fondly to the crude dirty-talk and saw her perfect Prince Charming take his true frog form in front of her ears. ABC promptly skipped over the rest of the date and cut to the usual let's-talk-on-the-loveseat scene. I've got to hand it to Clare, at first she really did give JP a verbal punch to the groin, but JP's circle talk confused her enough to bring her back into his Latin web of attractiveness.
The next day, Nikki said hola to his family and then went on a boating date with JP. They kissed, they tanned, they sat in perfectly flattering poses, and they said nothing of real value. During their sit-and-chat time Nikki was clearly nervous about the next day's elimination possibility and even shed a few betch tears for us at home.
Finally, we reach the moment. The girls , in their Vegas-cocktail-waitress best each trudge through the sand in 5" heels. First gal off the boat is....Crazy Clare! Here at the Bachelor, first means you lose, and Clare was last night's biggest loser. She was staring into those Venezuelan eyes expecting a proposal only to receive a "sorry, please leave", "ees ok". Homegirl proceeded to tear JP a new one and peace out of St. Lucia all by her lonesome.
Next off the love boat is Nikki. She says her sweet things, he says nothing really of substance, and then drops the non-proposal bomb. In no shock to anyone, JP is not ready to commit, and although he has that Neil Lane diamond in his pocket, he will not be putting a ring on it. Fortunately, we viewers got to hear one last "will ju assept dis rose". Nikki, being the desperate sport she is, agrees and the ride off to no where in what looks like blazing hot sun.
After the Final Rose...
The most excitement of the night came watching ABC's infamous ATFR show. A straight up cat fight (that you can tell has been brewing all season) broke out between Chris Harrison and JP. Turns out, they're not quite amigos.
Surprises of the night include:
- Clare is not still hung up on JP. She, in fact, didn't even talk to him.
- JP and Nikki are still together. She "loves him" and he supposedly still kind of likes her but won't say love, especially when Chris Harrison practically begs him to.
- The language barrier is still going strong, because ABC producers thought JP had some kind of surprise for the evening...his only surprise was his douchebaggery.
- Dog Lover made enough friends at ABC to get invited to the show.
Speaking of Dog Lover, some other notable invites included Sean and Catherine, Des and Chris, Brooks, One Arm, Diabetes, Arie, and Sharleen (who looked incredibly bored all evening). Is this the cast of Bachelor Pad? Because if so, I'll be its biggest fan.
Last but not least, ABC announced Andi as the new Bachelorette. We have the luxury of watching that ombre (as opposed to hombre...get it?) this spring.
THE STANDINGS
This year's Bachelor Fantasy League Winner (drumrolll....)
MARY CLARE with MC's McSluts (238pts)
Mary Clare is the winner of $80 smack-a-roos to be deposited from the league PayPal account. Congrats! This is the new league point record.
2nd Place ($40): ELIZABETH with Elizabeth's Slam Pieces (154pts)
3rd Place ($15): JULIE with Julie's Jezebels (147pts)
4th place: Audrey's Fetch Betches (142pts)
5th place: Corinne's Circle of Bitches (124pts)
6th place: Cooney's Cunts (120pts)
7th place: Shannon's Slutty Senoritas (105pts)
8th place: J$'s Dime Pieces (99pts)
9th place: Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses (69pts)
10th place (Wine Winner): Maggie's Maids of Mischief (25pts)
We'll see you ladies next season!
Love and Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Organizers
Silver and Bronze, respectively
For starters, Chris Harrison was back in full form last night. He was in his element with a full studio audience of judgement WASPs and their poor, whipped husbands. Each commercial break brought us back to smug Chris interviewing people about how awful Juan Pablo is.
The first date of the day went to Crazy Clare. After meeting his parents she scored the first helicopter ride of the season (5pts) which ended with quite the rough landing. Apparently, just after the camera guy had hopped out, and right before they stuck microphones on the couple, JP whispered some broken English that would make your mother blush. Clare did not take fondly to the crude dirty-talk and saw her perfect Prince Charming take his true frog form in front of her ears. ABC promptly skipped over the rest of the date and cut to the usual let's-talk-on-the-loveseat scene. I've got to hand it to Clare, at first she really did give JP a verbal punch to the groin, but JP's circle talk confused her enough to bring her back into his Latin web of attractiveness.
The next day, Nikki said hola to his family and then went on a boating date with JP. They kissed, they tanned, they sat in perfectly flattering poses, and they said nothing of real value. During their sit-and-chat time Nikki was clearly nervous about the next day's elimination possibility and even shed a few betch tears for us at home.
Finally, we reach the moment. The girls , in their Vegas-cocktail-waitress best each trudge through the sand in 5" heels. First gal off the boat is....Crazy Clare! Here at the Bachelor, first means you lose, and Clare was last night's biggest loser. She was staring into those Venezuelan eyes expecting a proposal only to receive a "sorry, please leave", "ees ok". Homegirl proceeded to tear JP a new one and peace out of St. Lucia all by her lonesome.
Next off the love boat is Nikki. She says her sweet things, he says nothing really of substance, and then drops the non-proposal bomb. In no shock to anyone, JP is not ready to commit, and although he has that Neil Lane diamond in his pocket, he will not be putting a ring on it. Fortunately, we viewers got to hear one last "will ju assept dis rose". Nikki, being the desperate sport she is, agrees and the ride off to no where in what looks like blazing hot sun.
After the Final Rose...
The most excitement of the night came watching ABC's infamous ATFR show. A straight up cat fight (that you can tell has been brewing all season) broke out between Chris Harrison and JP. Turns out, they're not quite amigos.
Surprises of the night include:
- Clare is not still hung up on JP. She, in fact, didn't even talk to him.
- JP and Nikki are still together. She "loves him" and he supposedly still kind of likes her but won't say love, especially when Chris Harrison practically begs him to.
- The language barrier is still going strong, because ABC producers thought JP had some kind of surprise for the evening...his only surprise was his douchebaggery.
- Dog Lover made enough friends at ABC to get invited to the show.
Speaking of Dog Lover, some other notable invites included Sean and Catherine, Des and Chris, Brooks, One Arm, Diabetes, Arie, and Sharleen (who looked incredibly bored all evening). Is this the cast of Bachelor Pad? Because if so, I'll be its biggest fan.
Last but not least, ABC announced Andi as the new Bachelorette. We have the luxury of watching that ombre (as opposed to hombre...get it?) this spring.
THE STANDINGS
This year's Bachelor Fantasy League Winner (drumrolll....)
MARY CLARE with MC's McSluts (238pts)
Mary Clare is the winner of $80 smack-a-roos to be deposited from the league PayPal account. Congrats! This is the new league point record.
2nd Place ($40): ELIZABETH with Elizabeth's Slam Pieces (154pts)
3rd Place ($15): JULIE with Julie's Jezebels (147pts)
4th place: Audrey's Fetch Betches (142pts)
5th place: Corinne's Circle of Bitches (124pts)
6th place: Cooney's Cunts (120pts)
7th place: Shannon's Slutty Senoritas (105pts)
8th place: J$'s Dime Pieces (99pts)
9th place: Team Emily: My Bitches Get Roses (69pts)
10th place (Wine Winner): Maggie's Maids of Mischief (25pts)
We'll see you ladies next season!
Love and Roses,
Elizabeth and Julie
League Organizers
Silver and Bronze, respectively